Dating is funny. Not ha-ha funny. It's ironic. It's almost at times - "see, I told you so!" or "what goes around comes around." and for some, "onto the next one."
I've been part of the online dating community for over four years now - changed websites, tweaked profiles, yet stayed the same in my search for the "perfect mate". I've lost the belief my "perfect mate" is out there. In fact, I don't think I ever had certain standards that my future partner would need to have in order to be with me. It brings me to reminisce about my classmates who rattled off exactly what they wanted in a lover.
If I do have standards - the highest would be laughter. If at the end of the day, you and I aren't laughing at at least SOMETHING, then perhaps we need to reevaluate our future.
I'll be the first to admit that I fall pretty hard and sometime pretty fast. I'm on that course right now. I've always been somewhat of an open heart - call it a combination of naivete or wishful thinking. I have tried to stop myself in the past, but as I have gotten older, I realize it's part of me. I've never been one for playing games - and when it comes to matters of the heart, especially my heart - I don't want games.
Two months ago, I was bitter. I was confused. I was angry. I knew it would get better, but it felt as if I never wanted to get back in the saddle again. Such is life. And six months before that, I was defeated. I had told someone that I loved them and I wanted only them. Needless to say, that didn't work out. And, slowly I healed. Just as I did with my most recent dating scenario.
Amylynne left me with such bitterness that it took me by surprise. I was feeling things I hadn't felt or perhaps not once fully acknowledged. With Janice, I did acknowledge it - to what extent, I'm not entirely sure. But with Amylynne, the bitterness took over. I had never felt so safe with someone I had been dating, it felt right walking down the street, holding her hand. It felt right holding her on the couch as we watched The United States of Tara. It felt right waiting to have sex (even if my mind and body were begging for something more). And to have that ripped away from me so soon after finally having sex, it simply tore away every layer of strength I had built up over the years since I had last allowed someone fully into my heart and soul.
I am proud to say I have moved on. I have embraced the things I cannot change.
