When did this love hate relationship of wanting to let someone into my world begin? One moment I am sky high, feeling masterful, invincible - like the Champ. The next I am sinking like the Titanic on that April night in 1912.
I haven't lost sight of my new found objective - far from it. I'm on the cusp of something great - I can feel it in my bones, I curl my toes in the wet sand and let the Atlantic Ocean waters trickle through. Its coldness is a sensation unlike any other, it's stirs my body, it awakens me. I'm ok with being awakened for it always seems to bring me a dose of reality.
Yet tonight, I am in the mode that I have struggled with since graduate school. One moment I say, hold me, don't ever let me go. The next it's- set me free, get out of my life. Tonight I feel the ache. I can feel it in my shoulders - raised up. I can feel it in my posture - tense. I cannot seem to unwind, despite the fact I have had some wine. I am locked up and yet all I want is for someone to break me open. It might take more than the sledgehammer to the break open the Master lock.
"Can you handle what I'm about to do? Betcha thought I was soft and sweet, that an angel swept you off your feet but I'm about to turn up the heat..."
I feel hollow tonight. Tin man style. Or maybe it's a combination of the tin man and the scarecrow... I'm not entirely sure.. but whatever it is, everything I seem to consume or imbibe in runs through me like a river - fast and directionless. But every river has a destination - or a feeding point that opens up to something bigger and greater. Where these feelings are opening up to is anyone's guess. I'd love to know myself.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
A new beginning
To say that I am at a turning point in my life, is an understatement and it's oddly refreshing. I titled my blog Ocean Waves because of the uncertainty ocean waves bring. Some waves are gentle ripples along the turf, others come crashing down. In life, we are taught to ride the waves, to realize that life isn't meant to be one steady stream. Life is choppy, life is joyous, life is painful - life is what you make of it.
Ever since I was a child I have loved the water - the sense of freedom it brought me. I spent hours upon hours in the Atlantic Ocean in the summers of my childhood. Anywhere my family went on vacation I would hope there was some kind of body of water I could be a part of (pool, ocean, lake and yes, even a stream). I loved the sensation of water running over my body, a cleansing - body, soul and mind. As I got older, I grew to love the powerful presence of the ocean, for its vastness serves to remind us just how small and sometimes how powerless we are.
I divided my time in the water between swimming and boogie boarding, though as I entered my adolescence, boogie boarding dominated. The appeal of the boogie board was likely the whole, 'riding the waves of life' was rumbling through my head. I tried to carve out the perfect ride from each wave. Needless to say I wasn't successful - so I kept going back out for more, to get that perfect ride, that perfect high. On top of the world. There's nothing finer than coasting on top of a wave and feeling yourself cutting through it to make the ride last longer. A rush followed by anything - an unexpected fault, another wave right behind it throwing you off your board or perhaps the greatest ride of the day. You'll never forget that wave.
I'm at a new wave in my life and I'm not backing down. There was a period of time I backed down from new waves and at the time I was extremely hard on myself for not even trying in the least. I'd dip my toes in the water with my board behind me, but I could not seem to bring myself to take the plunge. This time it is different. I have an entirely new perspective and I feel a certain confidence within me that has not been there in years. I'm not saying I'm not confident in all areas of my life, far from it. It simply wasn't my time.
My time is now, I can hear the ocean crashing against the sand, I'm standing with my board attached to my wrist - pressed up against my hip, the water's trickling through my toes. I'm smiling with my hair flying behind me, steady breath, full heart, nothing to lose, everything to gain...
this is more than a plunge. this is a tidal wave with most incredible possibilities.
Ever since I was a child I have loved the water - the sense of freedom it brought me. I spent hours upon hours in the Atlantic Ocean in the summers of my childhood. Anywhere my family went on vacation I would hope there was some kind of body of water I could be a part of (pool, ocean, lake and yes, even a stream). I loved the sensation of water running over my body, a cleansing - body, soul and mind. As I got older, I grew to love the powerful presence of the ocean, for its vastness serves to remind us just how small and sometimes how powerless we are.
I divided my time in the water between swimming and boogie boarding, though as I entered my adolescence, boogie boarding dominated. The appeal of the boogie board was likely the whole, 'riding the waves of life' was rumbling through my head. I tried to carve out the perfect ride from each wave. Needless to say I wasn't successful - so I kept going back out for more, to get that perfect ride, that perfect high. On top of the world. There's nothing finer than coasting on top of a wave and feeling yourself cutting through it to make the ride last longer. A rush followed by anything - an unexpected fault, another wave right behind it throwing you off your board or perhaps the greatest ride of the day. You'll never forget that wave.
I'm at a new wave in my life and I'm not backing down. There was a period of time I backed down from new waves and at the time I was extremely hard on myself for not even trying in the least. I'd dip my toes in the water with my board behind me, but I could not seem to bring myself to take the plunge. This time it is different. I have an entirely new perspective and I feel a certain confidence within me that has not been there in years. I'm not saying I'm not confident in all areas of my life, far from it. It simply wasn't my time.
My time is now, I can hear the ocean crashing against the sand, I'm standing with my board attached to my wrist - pressed up against my hip, the water's trickling through my toes. I'm smiling with my hair flying behind me, steady breath, full heart, nothing to lose, everything to gain...
this is more than a plunge. this is a tidal wave with most incredible possibilities.
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