When did this love hate relationship of wanting to let someone into my world begin? One moment I am sky high, feeling masterful, invincible - like the Champ. The next I am sinking like the Titanic on that April night in 1912.
I haven't lost sight of my new found objective - far from it. I'm on the cusp of something great - I can feel it in my bones, I curl my toes in the wet sand and let the Atlantic Ocean waters trickle through. Its coldness is a sensation unlike any other, it's stirs my body, it awakens me. I'm ok with being awakened for it always seems to bring me a dose of reality.
Yet tonight, I am in the mode that I have struggled with since graduate school. One moment I say, hold me, don't ever let me go. The next it's- set me free, get out of my life. Tonight I feel the ache. I can feel it in my shoulders - raised up. I can feel it in my posture - tense. I cannot seem to unwind, despite the fact I have had some wine. I am locked up and yet all I want is for someone to break me open. It might take more than the sledgehammer to the break open the Master lock.
"Can you handle what I'm about to do? Betcha thought I was soft and sweet, that an angel swept you off your feet but I'm about to turn up the heat..."
I feel hollow tonight. Tin man style. Or maybe it's a combination of the tin man and the scarecrow... I'm not entirely sure.. but whatever it is, everything I seem to consume or imbibe in runs through me like a river - fast and directionless. But every river has a destination - or a feeding point that opens up to something bigger and greater. Where these feelings are opening up to is anyone's guess. I'd love to know myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment