This seems to be a reoccurring theme every time I come home since I have moved into the city.
Whenever it comes to the night before I have to leave - I get very quiet and sad. It's especially intensified on my hiatus. I know it's fun to explore but I just don't feel as inspired to do it now that Jennifer and I broke up. After all, I wanted to see the sights through her eyes too.
There is an amount of comfort here at my parents that makes the place so special. I know this is ironic considering how desperate I was to get out of here. The safety of home - the familiar kitchen, the warm bed, the happiness to see me - I could go on.
I feel frozen. I want so badly to make career changes, but I don't know how. I have made little steps by applying to jobs within CBS. Those steps could be the beginning of something new. Yet, as I sit and think deeper and deeper, I don't believe I am following my heart. I have ignored my heart. I am fearful of the next step at Company.
I really don't like the idea of packing a suitcase every weekend. Sure I don't have a wife and kids; but I have family that, while I don't see them regularly when working in the studio, it feels as if I am still connected to them because I am based in New York.
I've traveled on a minimal basis for work - got a taste of it and yes, it was fun. But I don't think I could do it for 39 weekends. It just doesn't sound fun. Perhaps if I were 23 or 24 it would be appealing - wide eyed and hungry. Now nearly 32, there's a difference. Some of my male coworkers in their 30s don't seem to mind. That's just it - is it because they are men that it is easier for them to pack up and leave? Possibly.
I want my heart to be open for the next opportunity - but all it feels is dread.
