Nick of Time

I titled this blog post after one of my favorite Bonnie Raitt songs.  It speaks about the people in her life wanting certain things (children), her parents getting older and how she sees her own life changing.  I could not feel anymore similar to this song.  The lyrics haunt my head....

Pretty soon she'll have to choose and it tears her up inside... She's scared...scared she'll run out of time. No matter how you tell yourself, It's what we all go through... Those eyes are pretty hard to take when they're staring' back at you...Scared you'll run out of time.

Relationships can change at any moment.  Lately, it seems as if a lot of my relationships - especially those that mean the most to me, are drastically changing.  I accept and understand that this happens - it's life.  It does not mean that the relationship needs to end.  Rather it can grow, despite being different.  The relationship can strengthen despite distance and change.  Not every relationship has this benefit.  But lately, I have been feeling somewhat out of the loop with some of these relationships.  Chalk it up to my work schedule, different living locations, life changes - it happens.  But the more these changes have been happening, the more alone I feel - even knowing, deep within me, that I am far from alone.

Let's break them down shall we?

Erin.  When Erin got married two years ago tomorrow, I remember being very upset.  I couldn't stop crying.  It felt as if I were losing a part of myself with her.  She was married and I, still single.  I felt as if our days of "fun" were over.  It seemed she was settling into grown up life and I still searched the online dating sites.  It always came back to my job.  That it was a good thing that I had a job that I truly enjoyed.  Flash forward to today.  Erin is now a mother to an absolutely adorable 6 month old baby boy.  I'd be lying if I told you that Erin and I talk frequently.  With both our schedules - hers far more tiring than mine - grinding at us - we are lucky if we text once a week.  I cannot even remember the last time we talked on the phone.  It's hard to talk to someone on the phone when you have a 6 month old in the house and no one to help you watch him.  I get that.  But I miss my old friendship with Erin dearly.  I know as the little guy ages, it will be easier for us - it's a given.  I miss sitting with Erin at her house, watching sports, eating cheese and drinking red wine.  I miss grilling steaks and cleaning her dishes (even though she begged me every time to not do them).  It's not to say this is the way it will always be, but right now it hurts.

Kristin.  Kristin is similar to Erin - except her little guy is a year and a half old.  The distance between myself and Kristin is far greater than Erin and myself.  I'm lucky if I see Kristin once a year.  And I'm lucky if I talk to her more than twice every few months.  Like Erin, once we see each other, it is as if nothing has changed.  We pick up right where we left off - the humor, the connection - it has never subsided.  But I still feel different.  I don't relate to the mom stories that she shares with our other friends.  I cannot compare a nightmarish evening, where my baby wouldn't fall asleep.  No matter how much I try to convince myself that Kristin still values my friendship, I feel as if we have grown apart on a certain level and that's fine.  It all comes back to me missing the old times and me feelings as if, I must be the friend that seems to "carefree and loose".  Oh how that couldn't be further from the truth.  Don't get me wrong, I do have my moments of truly loving my single life - but I have found more often than not I am looking longingly at baby carriages.  I am smiling at mothers who are with their children in the park.  I am at a stage in my life career wise I cannot think about having my own kids.  It's just not feasible.  Financially - heck no.  And my new role is just beginning at work - and I seem to be doing a real good job at it.  I can only imagine that this would mean greater responsibility.

While I embrace that new found responsibility, I question within myself - when do I say, no to career and yes to love?  I said yes to love last year and while she is still in the picture  - I don't know if we are anywhere near the possibility of having kids.  Or even getting married at this rate (to be discussed...)

Ethan.  This one stings.  My best guy friend.  My drinking buddy.  My buddy that just always seems to understand me - even if I said nothing was upsetting me (Erin and Kristin are the same way).  We have had numerous amazing times together.  Ethan has been dating (insert fake name) for over 5 years.  It was always a topic of discussion when Ethan came to visit me - their relationship.  It was obvious that she was all about wanting to marry Ethan and he, well, he was Ethan - typical bachelor.  Whenever Ethan visited me in Boston or New York - he was always alone.  We talked about how she nagged him about pretty much everything and how he wasn't sure when or if he would ever propose.  Well, this May that all changed - but even then I didn't take him seriously.  I poked fun at him a bit during the AIDS Walk - saying, 'are you EVER going to ask her?'  And Ethan quietly said, 'Yea, I'm thinking sometime this summer.'  Truthfully, I didn't believe it.  I just couldn't wrap my head around it.  Ethan is such a prankster, that I figured this was him just pulling the wool over my eyes.  

I couldn't have been more wrong.  One night I was on Facebook and the page refreshed and she updated her relationship status as engaged.  I was stunned.  I was annoyed.  I was sad.  It was a weird few moments of digestion.  I knew this day would come.  I knew Ethan would get engaged; I just didn't expect it to be to HER.  I like her at times.  I do.  Yet for some reason she just doesn't seem to be the one I could see my best guy friend spending the rest of his life with.  Call me selfish, but I am really upset about losing Ethan.  Ok, that sounds a bit extreme - 'losing Ethan'.  But eventually will be gone our solo time.  It will always be about couple time.

Larisa.  This relationship started off very intensely.  An immediate attraction and connection.  There was no denying it.  Larisa simply lured me into her web - and it wasn't just those piercing blue eyes.  She has a beautiful vulnerability to her that tugged right at my heart - I wanted to protect her, to soak up every thing about her.  I loved her despite our few meetings.  It didn't seem real, but it was.  The lengthy e-mails between us - old school writing letters via e-mail - it was incredible.  I was baring my inner most feelings and thoughts on things I had not even thought about in decades.  I was letting someone in and for once I did not hesitate.  It felt natural.  It felt right.  I saw the signs, but I ignored them.  I was, in the words of Phil Collins, in too deep.  The relationship that Larisa was in and out of - the one that was tearing her up inside - was the relationship that should have told me to stop opening my heart.  To stop allowing myself to fall more deeply in love.  

I remember telling her I loved her.  I remember crying because her response was simply that she didn't love me that way.  It was one of the most devastating moments of my life.  I instantly withdrew, but because I cared so very much about her, I let her back in - albeit, I was extremely guarded.  Fast forward over a year - Jennifer and I broke up and Larisa was there for me.  I talked and she listened.  We texted about getting together to do something and for some reason I just never wrote back - chalk it up to a busy hiatus schedule.  And I haven't heard from her since (end of June), nor have I reached out.  I wanted to, but now I'm hesitant.  Once again, Facebook reeks havoc on me.  My curiosity was piqued by a status of 'but I don't **feel** any different'.  I figured it was that she got engaged but wanted people to inquire about it.  Just last week, she replied to the comments, that yes, she indeed was engaged.  I remember feeling sad, yet happy for her.  A part of me wants to reach out, but a part of me doesn't want to.  It's been a long time. Perhaps things wouldn't be any different or perhaps they would.  I might have to let this one marinate awhile longer.

Jennifer.  Where do I begin?  This might even be a post on it's own; however, it is worth of discussing here.  When Jennifer and I were in the early stages of our relationship, I felt a feeling that had been missing from every dating relationship that I had previously had had.  I knew I wanted to be with this woman any and every moment I could get.  I knew she was someone I would be willing to pull back my work schedule for - and even when I couldn't I knew she would understand.  

She broke up with me in June.  I saw it coming.  Hell, we both did.  We were bickering constantly.  We seemed to just completely be at odds about every thing.  I was miserable despite this.  I knew I wanted to marry Jennifer.  I couldn't stomach life without her.  I shut her out for a week.  We met up at church the following Sunday.  We talked, we laughed, we cried.  We had sex.  And we did this a number of times over the course of the next two months.  The communication was better than it had ever been in recent memory between us.  It felt as if we were making terrific strides.  But it started going downhill.  And I would like to say it's better these days; however, there are days where I just cannot stand to be around her.  

Jennifer is struggling with a lot of heavy life stuff these days.  She's never fully grieved her father's death from four years ago; took on the role of keeping an eye on her prescription pill addicted mother, since her brother has his own family and doesn't seem to want to have any part of his mother's life.  She's struggling to find steady employment here (after losing her job at a great company - she wasn't fired); and she's upset she's not auditioning nearly as much as she should to truly be pursuing what she came here for - acting.  

I am finding more and more that I am an outlet for her - that I seem to be someone that she reveals every thing to.  And I can accept that.  I am happy I can provide that for her; however, I am getting restless.  I am getting annoyed that she doesn't ask me about my job.  Or about my newborn niece.  I don't feel right even bringing some of these things in my life up - because they seem so trivial in comparison.  I just don't know how to communicate to Jennifer what I am thinking and when I do, she seems to be disinterested in what I am saying.  

We are butting heads again - like we did when we broke up.  But the difference is, I am away for three to four days.  It's a combination of frustration - and it's awful to say it, but some of it is sexual.  I long to be intimate with Jennifer again, but she basically thwarts every attempt I make.  We cuddle, we kiss here and there, but it's once I go a bit further she gets annoyed.  I try to get her to talk about 'what we are doing' - but she doesn't seem to want to.  She feels we are basically together again.  The thing is... our schedules, mine in particular, don't exactly scream 'lets do something fun.'  We essentially meet up to fall asleep together.  

I could be the bigger person and walk away from this, but I feel trapped.  I know she loves me and I love her.  But there's a bigger picture.  And that bigger picture truly needs to be discussed.  We cannot dance around it any longer.  We will only end up hating each other.  It can destroy us.  It's destroying me inside and I cannot escape these thoughts.  It doesn't seem right that I would ask Jennifer to discuss these heavy thoughts with her, given all that she is going through right now.  I am doing what I do best in times such as these - I bury myself in my work.  We can discuss it soon and we will.  I feel the conversation coming.  There is more I could write - but for now, the parentheses shall close... with one more thought....

Maybe that's just it.  All of these relationships (with the exception of Jennifer) - boil down to this fact.  It's couple time.  Or it's couple time plus baby.  And it's mixed with solo Lindsay.  I have never minded being alone - but as I leave every Friday morning and return late Sunday night or early Monday morning - I long to return to someone.  I long to come home and lie in her arms and just get lost in our silence.  Or soak up each other with laughter.  I want to share my life with someone.