Nightmare on 66th Street

It is a reoccurring nightmare that is only stopped by heavy drinking – as I tend to find myself dreamless on the drunken nights.  Sadly, I lived the nightmare, as it originated when in 5^th grade and I was 11.  

The Liberty Science Center is where it started.  Our class of 35 was headed on a big yellow school bus to Jersey City on a field trip.  Of course we were excited about getting away from school for the day; but there was an exhibit that our science teacher was particularly eager for us to explore.

The touch tunnel.  It’s an 80-foot darkened crawl space maze.  You rely on your sense of touch to get you through the labyrinth; sounds like quite the adventure for a bunch of 10 and 11 year olds.  I remember chatting with my friends about what it would be like to be temporarily blind; and I remember with every minute of the conversation going by, getting more and more nervous about this adventure.

Perhaps what made me so anxious about this journey was the fact it was mandatory for every one of us.  We were required to write about our experience in the tunnel.  I remember waiting on line with Marcy, Amy, Nicole and my other friends.  I had grown eerily silent but no one seemed to notice.  My mind was racing, the boys had raved about it – saying how much fun it was and it was easy.  Naturally, in hindsight 22 years later, I wouldn’t be surprised if some of them had been at least a little scared.  I looked behind me and saw there were 8 people from my class left.

As we inched closer to the start of the tunnel, I desperately tried to think of a way to get out of it; but I also tried to reassure myself – it wasn’t going to be all that bad, I was going to be following my friends and it would fine.  One thing I hadn’t noticed while standing on line is that you were staggered in your entrance time.  15 to 30 seconds separated each participant and you were encouraged to move past people if you caught up with them.  I had just read Lord of the Flies and to me, the touch tunnel reeked of survival of the fittest.  Leave the weak behind – serve yourself.  Now I was really screwed. 
I never really understood why I had such fears considering I was so fearless on the athletic field.  It wasn’t reckless abandon, it was controlled chaos as I bolted up and down the tennis courts, dominating opponents, some 4 to 5 years older than I.  

My time came up and within seconds I entered the tunnel on my hands and knees.  Slowly the light behind me trickled away and it struck me how very dark it was.  I was literally blind.  The 11-year old Lindsay didn’t curse, but I imagine it would sound something like this in 2013 – “Holy crap, this is fucking scary!”  I pressed on, relying on my sense of touch – felt the walls (which had various sensations – rocks, bars, feathers) – there were turns and twists – as expected.  I was making my way through at a reasonably good pace, when suddenly I froze.  I went from relatively confident to completely unsure.  I couldn’t move – my mind went blank.  One of my least favorite people in my class caught up with me and she began to ask me what was wrong.  I didn’t dare speak a word of my fear.  I couldn’t risk being made fun of.  As she made her way around me, she laughed in such a cruel way – that it took every ounce of strength for me not to cry.  I waited a few moments and allowed some silent tears to stream my flushed cheeks.

I could hear her ahead of me, spreading the word to the others, “Lindsay’s back there – stuck.  She is probably crying now.  She’s such a baby.”  A few of the other girls laughed and chimed in their two cents about my insecurities.  The gentle tears had now turned into a steady stream and yet, I could not move.  I tried to turn one way and it was the wrong way.  I didn’t know what to do.  One by one, I could feel my remaining classmates make their way past me.  When a few moments went by I heard a grown up say, “Hey, wasn’t there a red head that went in?  Hasn’t she made her way out yet?”  That caused me to cry even more.  Everyone but me was done and now the adults were wondering what was taking me so long. 
My friend Marcy spoke up, but quietly, “I think Lindsay got stuck in there, she was pretty quiet before we went in – could someone go in and find her?”  Marcy was my best friend and she later told me that she felt bad for not noticing how scared I was.  We were only 11, but at that time, Marcy felt like the wisest of adults. 
Shortly thereafter, one of the employees of the Liberty Science Center, found me.  I told them how I was embarrassed and they assured me that this was no big deal and that it happened all the time.  It was little consolation, as I had already convinced myself that I was the world’s biggest loser.  I remember them grabbing hold of my hand and leading me out of the tunnel and into the light.  My tears had washed away, but my facial expression oozed fear.  A rather large gathering of my classmates were standing at the exit, looking at me – whispering secretly to each other, giggling like the school girls they were.  I looked up at the employee who guided me out and managed a sheepish, “thank you” and I walked straight past the group and found Marcy.  Marcy immediately hugged me.
For the last month I have been reliving this nightmare in my sleep – except it’s a 33 year old Lindsay who is trapped inside the dark.  I keep turning in different directions to find my way out, but I can’t.  And it’s not an 80-foot maze – it’s endless.  There is no light.  It is suffocating and it is exhausting.

I lost my job just over 3 months ago and while it was somewhat relieving early on – it has now become a source of fear for me.  I am stuck.  I am crying on a regularly basis – almost daily.  The tears come out of the blue and they aren’t heightened by anything in particular – they just happen.  Today’s tears came just before I walked out the door to venture out to my favorite tea shop to write this piece.  15 minutes later I had my emotions gathered, my face refreshed and a somewhat real smile on my face.  

My job was draining and consuming – it is an industry that requires endless commitment and it certainly isn’t for everyone who thinks they want it as their profession.  I grew to realize this within the last year and a half of my tenure there.  I think part of me always realized it, but I was too afraid to acknowledge it.  I was noticing that one by one my favorite co-workers were leaving for the reasons of which I previously stated.  The difference between them and me?  I want to be in this business.  But lately, as my nightmare repeats itself almost nightly, I begin to wonder if I do have the passion for this industry.

I interviewed with a television program that was my dream job and found out last week they hired internally.  Needless to say, this was extremely crushing to me.  Internally?  It was only a matter of months ago that I was considered an internal employee at that organization.  I know the ropes of my previous company and that would only be of benefit to the new organization, which is a sister company to them.  I was on the phone with my father when I found out via e-mail.  I immediately began to cry and punch the floor.  I couldn’t understand how someone with such experience and incredible references could be overlooked.  I cried for a good 25 minutes and then hit the gym.  It was the first time the gym didn’t help my mood.
This time around there is no employee to find me and lead me to the light.  No one to hold my hand and help me find the way.  I do have the love and support of my family and my friends, but this is something I truly need to do alone.  I can listen to their advice and try to put it to action to loosen the chains; but it is I who must break free by believing in myself and my abilities.  I am a strong, competent woman and yet I feel so very weak; however, I don’t think I am all that weak, because of the fact I am able to acknowledge I am in pain and I want to rise above and find my way. 
It sounds as if I have it all figured out, doesn’t it?  Maybe I do.  But lately, I cannot motivate myself to do much of anything.  This is the most I’ve written in months.  I find myself sleeping in and hitting snooze more than I should.  I find myself eating poorly – on Monday I barely ate anything – I practically polished off a large bag of cheese puffs.  They provided me with such comfort, that with every puff that I crunched on, I found myself almost sighing in relief.  I tried to stop, using various methods (I tied up the bag and put them in the kitchen – I did this at least three times and not once did I succeed). 
I feel so uninspired – I don’t network nearly as much as I should and maybe that is a sign I am done with this industry; that I am over it.  Yet, with each defeatist thought, I am met with a response.  I am praised for my abilities and work ethic.  I had my pitch ideas and resume sent over to the Senior Producer of my other dream job, which is exactly what I would be doing at the job I lost out on.  I would be so excited to have that opportunity, I know for a fact my drive would be restored, I would be giving that position every ounce of excitement and energy I have on a daily basis.

Most of us go through life earning what we want – those of us who are fortunate, have things handed to us.  I haven’t had that luxury, but I would be lying if I told you my life has been difficult.  My parents worked hard to provide for my sister and me.  We went to great schools, took wonderful vacations, went to several performances (theatre, ballet, concerts – just to name a few) and participated in all sorts of activities.  

I am stuck in my mind and I want to change.  But my mind is flooded and it is not just with my career.  This reoccurring nightmare causes me to wake up suddenly in a full heaving breath panic.  I have to calm myself – but it takes some time.  I tend to gulp rather loudly and several times.  Within the blackened tunnel nightmare of career, comes money and love.  The money side of this nightmare is a twist – I am generally wandering around the streets, finding my way into places – and finding money lying around – free for the taking.  A $5 bill here, a wad of 20s at another place, and some places there are $100 bills.  I get almost titillated at the sight of the money.  I look around my surroundings to see if anyone is paying attention and more often than not, the people, if there are any around, are too wrapped up in their own world to notice.  Like a desperate homeless person, I scoop up the money and make my way out of the establishment.

I understand the significance of this part of the nightmare – that money is tight at this time in my life and I can’t be on unemployment forever.  I get it.  But it’s feeling of likening myself to a homeless person that I am most fearful of.  I know I won’t ever be homeless, as I have an apartment that I own with my parents.  Yet, with every week that goes by that I don’t have a steady income and I am unable to pay certain bills, the more I am draining my parents’ funds.  They have took on two of my bills because of the fact they realize I cannot pay them.  I hate this.  I hate relying on them – it makes me sick to my stomach that I am so helpless and taking their money.  I find myself crying about this on a regular basis as well.  They love me unconditionally and yet, I feel like an absolute failure.  Here I was, with a steady job, working hard – getting great reviews, making them proud and then to lose my job in such a sudden, shocking manner, I feel nothing but failure.

My parents have insisted to me that I have not let them down in their eyes; that they are disgusted the by way I was released; that I continue to make them proud.  If they only knew what I really did most of the days.  They would be sorely disappointed and furious with me.  Hell, I’m disappointed and furious with me.  I guess the most important thing is for me to tackle this slowly – Rome wasn’t built in a day.  I need to slowly chip away at the iceberg and break it down.  I cannot rush this, but I still need to hang onto my strength and believe in myself.

The money factor of the nightmare leads me to my love life.  My love life is crumbling and I am just as much to blame, as my girlfriend is.  Even writing the word girlfriend almost sounds forced.  My relationship with Jennifer is, in my mind, on its last legs – for now.  We have had a long journey since we first started dating on September 21, 2011.  Like the darkened labyrinth at the Liberty Science Center, we have had our fair share of twists and turns, falls and frustration.  We have taken three breaks in the two years we have dated – one of which I didn’t even know was happening until we talked about it.

October 2012.  I remember it all so vividly.  I was traveling every weekend for work and yet, I still had time for us.  It was week 6 in the NFL season and I was in Tampa.  I was able to fly out that Sunday night and I opted to take the car service to Jennifer’s apartment, rather than head to my apartment – I missed her and wanted to see her.  It was so nice to see her, especially given the intensity of the day (the Associate Director had screamed at me for a reason I have since blocked out).  I felt relaxed and my mind was at ease the moment the car pulled up to her apartment and I saw her greeting me at the door; when suddenly it was as if an hour-glass was flipped over and the mood shifted.

Jennifer immediately started complaining about something and I remember being filled with extreme annoyance.  She had not even asked me how my weekend was, how my game went.  Here it was 11 at night, I had worked non-stop all weekend and on and on Jennifer went, complaining about something – and dwelled on it.  I asked if we could continue the conversation in the morning and she huffed and puffed.  Needless to say that wasn’t a restful sleep.  The next morning the clouds of frustration still hung over her bed. 

All the daggers came out on Jennifer’s end. It was as if I were pinned to a dart board and she just kept flinging the darts at me.  The conversation was varied, but one thing seemed to be certain – Jennifer wasn’t certain.  She wasn’t certain she could picture her life with me as partners in life, as parents of the children we had talked about having.  She didn’t want to risk losing contact with her brother’s kids as a result of her coming out.  One would think, any logical person would walk away right there at that moment – but I didn’t.  Sometimes, I wish I had. 
We agreed to work on it.  To keep trying.  There was so much love there, we just felt we shouldn’t walk away.  I continued to travel every weekend for work; and of course, I kept the lines of communication open.  I called every Friday and Saturday night after dinner – normally getting her voicemail, but leaving a message every time.  Little did I know, that with every week, she was distancing herself further and further from us.  As it would turn out, Jennifer had started to date a guy named Norman.  They were together for roughly 4 months; though she insists it was only about two and half.  I say four because of the fact he made initial contact with her in October (and they first met in October) – exactly around the time of our conversation about her uncertainty of knowing whether or not she could spend the rest of her life with me.

Jennifer and Norman broke up on Valentine’s Day – of all days.  I had a terrific Valentine’s Day with myself.  I had ordered pizza from my favorite place on the Upper East Side, bought a bottle of red and watched the Godfather.  The reasons for their break up were numerous and it was apparent from our previous conversations about Norman that the relationship was getting strained for his lack of time for her, his bipolar – you get the picture.
Jennifer and I began to spend more time together in early March before the NCAA Tournament took over my life, once again the lines of communication seemed to be very positive.  She told me she still loved me and couldn’t imagine spending the rest of her life without me.  I asked her if she wanted to be with me as girlfriends or as friends.  As girlfriends she said and the next few minutes were filled with us kissing ever so passionately.  We talked about going to her minister to help her come to terms with being gay and working on coming out to her family.

Then came April 25^th.  I had my evaluation at work and while I had had a somewhat rough NCAA Tournament – due to a horrible assignment (being stuck in Edit 73 for sometimes up to 38+ hours with no relief, no sleep), I felt confident.  I had had a great NFL season and was looking forward to talking about my ideas for my future with the company.  And then, I was blindsided.  I went in with my own offensive line, but I was met with a vicious hit.  I was released because my boss felt I wasn’t cut out for live television; and while I had had terrific reviews from my producer on the NFL crew, the reviews didn’t carry any weight because he had since left our company. 
Jennifer had been instant messaging me during the review, with words of support and I came back to my desk – shaken and crushed.  She asked me how it went and I told her that I had been released.  When I got to her apartment that night, I fell onto the ground, hysterically crying.  I couldn’t stop the awkward sounds that came from me.  I have never felt more vulnerable in my life.  I had only cried like this in front of my family.  Jennifer was supportive and loving.  As time went on, I had my good days and I had my bad days as one would expect.  Some days were really bad and I drank a lot.  I don’t think this necessarily a bad thing; but for Jennifer, it was.  Jennifer is not much of a drinker and doesn’t have much of a tolerance when it comes to drinking and dealing with people who do.  It is probably connected with the fact her mother is an addict (pain killers); but that does not mean that everyone who drinks more than a few beers has a problem. 
I was scared and frustrated about my job situation – I didn’t know how else to say it to her other than that.  I didn’t know how to let her in about my fears of what it meant for us and our future; that I was worried about our financial situation; the fact how we would struggle to raise a family, because we could barely provide for ourselves.  When she came down on me for drinking, I would get very angry with her.  I said my fair share of cruel things, most of which I don’t even remember.  Some of it involved our lack of intimacy other than her cuddling on me.  Over time, I did tell her about the financial fears I had and she spoke of my thoughts about how we both want children, but it just seemed impossible for us.  Yet, we still remained together.
Truth be told, I cannot remember the last time Jennifer and I made love.  The last time was inside her a few days before my birthday – but when I asked her to do things to me, she yawned and said she was too tired.  She immediately cuddled up next to me and asked me to hold her.  Jennifer is a very selfish lover and I understand part of it is her inexperience; but when she and I first got together, the sex was mind blowing – we were completely in sync, it was the sex I had been waiting for my whole life.  She rarely makes a move when it comes to intimacy – unless it involves cuddling – which always involves her curling up beside me; not once has she pulled me into an embrace while we lie on the couch; not once have I fallen into her arms in bed.  I can count only a handful of times that she has held me while we sleep.

September 15^th – Sharon came to town.  Sharon and I never fully reached the potential we had.  Sharon is much older than I and has a relatively complicated situation.  When we met she was married (has one child) – but it was a sexless marriage for the last 10 years; and had a fuck buddy in the city.  I met her along with the fuck buddy at Cubbyhole.  They wanted a threesome, I wanted only her.  We exchanged a few e-mails, fooled around a couple times she came to visit the fuck buddy; but mainly we spoke about our passions – cooking, Red Sox, good red wine, the Berkshires.  It was nice; but then Jennifer came into the picture and she elected to keep seeing fuck buddy.  I would occasionally hear from Sharon and we would write here and there.  Nothing would come from it – because I didn’t want anything and she knew I had a girlfriend.  

I told Jennifer the morning of the 15^th Sharon was in town and that we were going to have brunch.  I told Jennifer everything about Sharon early on in our dating – as we were talking about previous dating experiences.  Jennifer was off to work for the day and then had rehearsal later in the night.  She then came back with, “well, why don’t you just go have crazy sex with her while you are at it.”  I was stunned.  I had no idea where that came from.  In typical Jennifer fashion, she said this with about 15 minutes left for us to walk out the door.  “What are you talking about?”  Granted, I did (and still do) feel incredibly sexually frustrated when it came to Jennifer but I didn’t feel compelled to seek it elsewhere – though I had a proposition from an unlikely person and it was extremely difficult for me to turn it down.  

Our conversation was heavy from there – it was eerily similar to our conversation that October morning last year.  She spoke about how she didn’t know if she saw us being together forever, but hated the ideas of us not being in one another’s lives; that she did not like the idea of not being together, because that means I would more than likely find someone else to be with.  I silenced her with the most passionate kiss I could muster and as I pulled away, I asked her what she felt at that moment.  She said her whole body was on fire and that her mind was light.  I told her that she need to hold onto that.
Then she disappeared over the next few weeks – including forgetting my interview with my dream job.  I had to remind her of it.  I rarely reached out and if I am fully disclosing myself, this was a test.  I did this to see how she would reach out despite her busy schedule.  Even when I was working 14+ hour days at the US Open I still called her every night.  Not once did I receive a text or e-mail to thank me for the call; not once did she call me back or call me to say hi.  At one point during the US Open she told me she had booked a trip to Europe.  I was shocked – all this time I thought we were eventually going to do this trip; where was she getting the money to do this and so forth. 
We spent the night together the night before she left for her trip.  It was the first time we had seen each other in just over two weeks.  We talked (though our voices raised a few times) about what we were doing.  I told her that I need to work on opening up on my needs and wants from her better and I also encouraged her to try and open me up.  I know that sounds a bit ridiculous, but I would like now and then for her to be interested in my day, to bring me flowers or offer to pay for dinner.  I also told her that maybe we should work on being friends – that while her trip should be one of excitement and fun, she should also think about how she wants to be with me; how she truly feels about me.  I asked her if she liked and wanted to kiss me and her reply was difficult to hear.  “Sometimes.”  

I deserve to be with someone who wants to kiss me all the time – when you walk in my door, I want to be kissed.  I want to be asked how my day was.  When I make dinner, I want you to be gracious – not chastise me that it isn’t ready yet.  I want you to bring a bottle of wine, some cheese, or some dessert without me asking you to.  I want you to help me with the dishes at the end of the night, I want you to try and distract me from doing the dishes by kissing the crane of my neck – pulling me away for a dance in my apartment.  I want us to kiss goodnight and let our hands explore, while you pull me in and tell me you love me – and not ask me for a massage after all that I did that night.  It may seem slightly selfish, but sometimes I just can’t comprehend giving a massage after making dinner and cleaning up while you sleep on the couch.

I believe Jennifer and I have something, but it’s on life support.  I don’t know how much more I can give to this relationship at this time in my life.  I need her to hold me and I also need to ask her to hold me.  Jennifer says she too is struggling – but how much can you be struggling when you’ve had a steady job for 5 months (and even been promoted), you have two great acting gigs that are consistent, you are part of two improv teams and you are active in a church that loves you.  I get that it is her home life that is a wreck, but how can I be there for her when I don’t even have my thing together?  There comes a time, when I just can’t do it anymore.  I am literally drained and I need to be better at communicating this to her – but when I do, it is just an awkward feeling.  I don’t want to hurt her and when I have mentioned this in the past, I see how much it hurts her.  It is the worst feeling in the world.
When she returns from her international adventure, I have decided Jennifer is on a very short leash.  I will work on being better at opening up to her.  I know I deserve better, but I too, cannot imagine my life without Jennifer.  There is something between us that is something I have never experienced with anyone else; and perhaps that does not mean we should be together forever.  I am struggling so very much with these thoughts; now more than ever.  

As I conclude this writing, I am reminded of Russell Crowe’s Academy Award Best Actor speech for Gladiator in these trying times.  Russell said, “For anyone that is on the downside of advantage and relying purely on courage – it is possible.”

While I may have certain advantages in life, I am certainly struggling to see the light in this dark time.  It will get better and it will get easier.  I will continue to search, I will continue to fight and put an end to this reoccurring nightmare.