It's Never Too Late

In mid January a friend of mine from trivia night at the Recovery Room, presented me with a challenge.  A challenge I immediately accepted; however, since then, I have not completed the task.  That night, Lizzie and I were seated at the bar and talking about what was next for me career wise.  We both held our pint glasses that were filled with Bud Light.  Lizzie understood my pain - losing a job in a very competitive industry, especially in the number one market in the country. 
While Lizzie has not lost her job, she knows how much I love the industry and I know of her love for the industry as well.  Lizzie has about 20 or more years experience than I do and has been very encouraging throughout my unemployment.  While her company is not hiring, Lizzie has never missed a moment to ask me how I am doing and how she can help.

That January night I did ask for some additional help and Lizzie said, "You seem happier lately and I don't know if it's because of your relationship ending or if it is the edit course you just started; but it's nice to see."  I thanked her and said that I did feel a tremendous difference within my mindset and perhaps some of it was linked to both of the things she mentioned.  Deep down it did hurt to hear someone else, in addition to myself, acknowledging that I seemed happier - as a result of breaking up with the woman I could see myself having a family with.  I took a longer sip of my nearly empty beer.

Lizzie continued, "So let that continue.  Embrace all the good things that going to come your way this year.  It's a bit tough right now, but you can really make your own happiness, keep growing and focusing on what is best for you."

It wasn't the cheap Bud Light that was provoking these groundbreaking statements, it was Lizzie recognizing potential within me.  Sometimes we all need someone (or many people) to remind us just how capable we are.  Sometimes we, as individuals, aren't enough as our own support club.

I smiled and began to nod my head in excitement.  I could feel my wings beginning to grow a bit out of my back.  Lizzie wouldn't stop, "Here's your challenge.  Make a list of 50 things you want out of 2014.  It's harder than you think.  But don't give up on it."

Well, one month later - challenge accepted and commenced.... NOW.

50 Things I Want Out of 2014

1)  I want to be kinder to myself in all capacities.

2)  I want to get a job that makes me feel fulfilled emotionally.  I realize I am currently in survival mode - where to start, I must take any job to stay in NYC.  My deadline is April 1.

3)  I want to get into shape, not necessarily college fit Lindsay, but in shape where I don't feel winded walking up four flights of stairs.  My mindset is deeply rooted in frustration and I do not like this.  I am taking out it out on the two people who love me most.

4)  I want to stop spending time with people who are downward thinking in their belief of themselves.

5)  I want to speak my mind when someone makes me upset - particularly friends who treat me with condescending tones when it comes to my work and social frustrations.

6)  I want to eat better - less bad fats.  I would like to quit my Cheetos fix.

7)  I want to read at least 15 books.  As of February 21st, I have read two.  I want the topics of the books to vary.

8)  I want to try to write almost every day - even if it is a paragraph about what I felt was positive about that particular day or a few small moments that I am grateful for.

9)  I want to learn more about my mom.  My mom was a career driven woman, who always had time for her family.  I want to learn what made her have such passion and drive for all that she did professionally.

10) I want to learn more about my dad's side of the family - if at all possible.  Not a lot of my dad's family communicates, in fact, his sister rarely reaches out anymore.

11) I want to take my nephew and niece to a museum on my own - and see if I can handle being a single mom.

12) I want to visit a different museum every month - already went to the Museum of Natural History in February. 

13) I want to watch at least two documentaries every week - similar to reading books, the subjects need to vary.  Think history, sex, crime, politics, environment.

14) I want to go to church more.  I don’t think I will become a regular attendee; but I do miss going to a service once and awhile.

15) I want to explore more of the city and not just Manhattan.  There is so much in Brooklyn – especially the tiny Italian communities that my grandparents spoke about when I was a child.

16) I want to read at least two books of the Bible – most likely Psalms and Proverbs.

17) I want to be better at keeping in touch with my friends.  In the years that I worked with the Network – it took over my social life.  I hope to call my friends with more frequency or at least e-mail them short notes of the happenings in NYC; only in turn, hopefully to hear about their kids etc.

18) I want to cut back on my drinking.  While I do not have a problem, I feel there are times I have that last drink that should have been my last drink one or two drinks earlier.

19) I want to have at least one of my writings published – no matter what the publication is.

20) I want to learn how to cook a salmon dish – preferably one I can make in the oven or on the stove.

21) I want to visit my relatives more than once up in the Berkshires.  I used to do this with much greater frequency when I lived in Boston.

22) I want to visit both cemeteries where my grandparents are buried to spend some time with them.  I miss their company and their life lessons.

23) I want to volunteer.  I miss the days of going to the soup kitchen after high school; or my habitat for humanity days with Senior High Fellowship.  Whether it would be cleaning up a park, stocking shelves at a local library – I want to give back.

24) I want to go to a Yankees game to see Derek Jeter play one last time.  Yes, even a Red Sox fan wants to see him on his farewell tour.

25) I want to go back to Coney Island to eat more Nathan’s hot dogs and fries – and of course have one of their HUGE beers.  Then find my way to sit on the beach – to either go swimming or just look at the ocean.

26) I want to complete a 1,000 piece puzzle on my own.  I don’t know where I would put it in my apartment – but I will find a way.

27) I want to attend a Human Rights Campaign meeting or seminar in NYC.

28) I want to read at least 5 international news articles on a daily basis - whether it's through npr.org, cnn.com, msnbc.com or foxnews.com - I believe it is important to get your news from all sources of media and form your own opinion.

29) I want to start a new sport; it's possible, I've played it once before, but it is time to join an "intramural" sports team in the city - think zog sports.

30) I want to learn how to play poker - perhaps I can rope my brother-in-law into doing this with me.

31) I want to buy my nephew a tennis racquet and bring him to a tennis court this summer - preferably in New Jersey, where it is a bit quieter and cheaper than NYC!  Next summer, I would like to do the same with my niece.

32) I want to become more knowledgeable when it comes it various forms of social media.  I believe knowledge is power and the more I know about these ways of networking and videography, can only make me a more effective employee.

33) I want to meditate at least twice a week.  I need to find an inner balance to keep me grounded, especially once my schedule begins to pick up again.

34) I want to find a new hobby.  I have a lot of fun things in my life - crosswords, sports, reading, cooking, writing.  Something un-Lindsay like - such as knitting?

35) I want to continue to be polite and proper.  I was raised in such a manner that it is appropriate to give up your seat for someone older - man or woman; to hold the elevator door; to step behind your friend when walking down the sidewalk and approaching two people.  Good manners should never disappear.

36) I want keep my heart, mind and eyes open at all times - for anything.  Whether it is love, an act of kindness - there is beauty all around us on a daily basis.  We just need to slow down and take the time to see it, breath it, feel it.

37) I want come up with an appropriate outline to revisit my master's project from graduate school.  I see potential in finding a way to cover this story again.  I found all the old footage; I would need to find my transcripts and other paper work.

38) I want to take another drop in ballet class - at a different studio in New York City.

39) I want to attend a Mets game at CitiField - sitting in the bleachers and eat some BBQ.

40) I want to go to a classical concert at Lincoln Center or the opera at the Met least once.

41) I want to visit a brewery - most likely in Brooklyn.  Where I can learn how beer is made! Sweeeeeeet!

42) I want to wake up to see the sunrise more than once.  Must ask around for best places in NYC to see the sunrise as soon as possible.

43) I want to visit a court room - and if the proceedings are open to the public, I would like to sit in the gallery and observe a case.

44) I want to be an extra once or twice on a television show - think Orange is the New Black or Law and Order SVU. 

45) I want to get up on stage and sing karaoke - SOBER.  Not one ounce of alcohol inside my bones.

46) I want to get to know my brother-in-law even more.  He's an amazing man, who works hard, is a terrific and involved father, quietly funny, dedicated - I could go on.  I am so grateful he is my sister's partner for life.  I love how he balances her, makes her laugh, supports her, encourages her - he is one of the most incredible men I have ever met.

47) I want to not sell myself short.  This can be coupled with being kinder to myself. But for too long I have been "aw-shucks".  I am not saying I need to be arrogant, but I need to sell myself with confidence.  I have the goods, I can deliver the goods and a lot of people have seen that and others need to see it.  I am worthy.

48) I want to take a yoga class.  If I don't like it, I don't like it and move on.

49) I want to go to Staten Island - wait, WHAT?  to eat Italian food and catch a Staten Island Yankees game.

50) I want to pitch a food show idea to the Food Network.

Online - Off Target

The commercials flood your television promising you love is just around the corner; the advertisements encourage you to stop wasting your time and find your true soul mate.  It would seem to be simple enough - look at the fun they're having on their actual first date!  They're laughing and smiling!  Why not get started TODAY?

I have used the online dating market more than I would care to admit.  My last three relationships have come as a result of online dating.  I do not regret that at all, in fact, I am grateful for it.  However, in my most recent exploration with these sites that guarantee you will find love, I have felt nothing but frustration.

I think the frustration is deeply connected to my employment situation.  I am trying to be as focused and optimistic as possible when it comes to work; however, it is more challenging than I would like to admit.  Last Friday I completed a six-week edit course, where I learned two new software programs in addition to AVID.  No employment is guaranteed; however, I would like to think this addition to my resume certainly makes it stand out even more.

Thursday night I have a date and while I am not yet nervous for it, I am barely excited at the possibility of what may come from it.  I am over my most recent relationship and I am ready for what's next; however, due to my work situation I do not think I am ready for love.  It has been said countless times, "You can't love someone,  until you can love yourself."  It is not that I don't love myself - I do, very much so.  But I simply feel I need to continue to focus on me these days.  I need to solidify my inner compass, to strengthen my professional life.  As a result of the strength, I believe I can become a better partner.  My most recent relationship, I often found myself sacrificing my own happiness, to make my ex feel loved and happy at all times.

One of the biggest worries I have always had about being in a relationship with someone, are the financials.  My previous job did not pay me well at all - in fact, what I was paid could easily qualify for minimum wage, considering the hours I put in.  At the time, I was dating someone who could barely make ends meet - taking any type of temping job she could land.  While some temporary assignments pay very well, they can end at any time.  She never seemed to have a plan for full-time work, other than pursuing acting and comedy.  I guess I need a sugar mama.  This is not to say I would live off of her hard earned money, it would be nice for our incomes, when combined to reach nearly six-figures.

The frustration can also be linked with the fact that no one seems to reply.  I find myself scrolling through profile after profile.  Perhaps I am too picky, but I know what I like and want in a woman.  This is not to say that the other women on the site don't; but I am beginning to have a very hard time understanding why people don't seem to respond.  It takes me almost two hours to find at least 10 women to write.  The women who reach out to me, are women I could never imagine being with.  Say whatever you need to say, but I just have, well, standards.

When I write the women I am attracted to, I find something within their profile that stands out to me - or makes me curious to learn more about them.  Is it so bad to have that personal connection in the first contact?  It is not as if I am writing a novel to them; on the contrary, I'm writing a three sentence letter, that's complimenting them.  Of the 20 women I recently wrote on one site that I am on, two, yes two, have written back.  Two is better than one or none.  But naturally a game is presently being played.  They read the note that very night and didn't write back for three days.  Naturally, I wait for two for my reply and now I am going on a week waiting to hear back from them. 

This is not unfamiliar territory for me.  It's almost expected at this rate and quite frankly it's annoying.  Sure, I am not fully ready to date seriously; but what is the deal with these women?  My notes are far from perverted or rude.  They're thoughtful, friendly, and sincere.  And guess what?  In all of their profiles, they write about wanting something "real", "no more games", "an intellectual conversation" - all of it.  So what is the issue?  Why do so many people who join online dating say they are sick of the bar scene, yet hide behind this wall that is the internet?  What will it take for people to break down the walls of the internet and take a leap?