Time after Time

There's always going to be Lucy - and I love that thought. But there's a feeling of emptiness now and then when I think of her. An emptiness that seems to brutally ache and burn through me. I wrestle with my feelings for Lucy; not that if they are real or not, but whether or not I will ever tell her just how much I have fallen for her. There's something special about our connection; and that's such a weak way to describe it. This past week I ventured out to Lucy's hometown to go to a Solstice party at her parents house. She wanted only me there (none of her friends were invited) - as said in an e-mail. Due to a light workload, I was able to do this. It was a beautiful time and of course I soaked up every moment I could with her.

When Lucy drove me back to the train station that night, we talked about how much "this" (never really saying what "this" was) meant to us; I told her that I didn't want to lose it. Lucy insisted that I wouldn't. Of course all I could think about was, "what if I told you I've managed to fall for you?" I wouldn't dare bring that up in a 7 minute car ride to a train station - where I would be getting on a train for 2.5 hours. I'd rather do it in person, where we would be forced to talk out the situation, as uncomfortable as it might get.

That brings us to about 10 minutes before the train arrived in New London. The conversation turned to wants in life. And I mentioned that, "I don't know what I want." I prayed that she didn't see through my lying eyes that fixated on her. My short term memory is blanking on her reply. What I truly meant was, "I know exactly what I want in life. I want you. I want us to be together. I want you to leave him and give us a shot. What I feel with you, every time I see you is something I have never felt and something I want to continue to feel."

We exchanged two deep, prolonged hugs before I left - both times I kissed Lucy on the cheek. The second time, she kissed me on the cheek as well. That was the closest we've been to kissing since the second time we met. Then again, we always share very close moments, moments that take my breath away. It's not just moments with Lucy, it's entire visits, every time time go to arrives, I feel it has come much too soon. I often find myself thinking about how she feels.

I want to tell her how I feel, but I fear the outcome. I don't think I would fear the outcome as much if I had not heard Lucy's history with the guy she is presently seeing. It would appear he has been madly in love with her for years - they've slept together, he wanted commitment and she refused to give it to him (as she has run away from commitment many times in her life - as she has confessed to me). He has left the country a few times over the years as a result of Lucy not giving him what he wants. He simply leaves everything behind and goes away.

Why Lucy has elected to give him commitment this time around I do not know. They have come close to breaking up a few times (the closest being at the end of October), but as a result of a massive fight and a talking of how logically it would make more sense for them to be apart, they decided to fight the odds and try to make it work. Since that time, according to Lucy, the relationship has been solid. Within the last three weeks, I have felt this pull from Lucy that was there before I learned they were together; this yearning feeling that I hadn't felt all that much with her that I had before. Of course I felt it, but this time the feeling was so much stronger.

I wanted Lucy with me, by my side. I wanted her to be sitting with me in my edit room while I worked. It appeared she wanted to be with me as well and that's when I received the invitation to visit her hometown.

If I tell her how I feel, I run the risk of making it awkward between us - a friendship that feels deeper than any friendship that I have had in my lifetime and that is not intended to belittle any of my friendships (including the ones with my best friends). This is a friendship that goes beyond, a friendship that could build a beautiful, everlasting love. We have that sexual chemistry, that fluidity between us - it's natural and it's incredible (again, such a weak way to describe it). If I tell her, I run the risk of her telling me she doesn't feel the same way. Could the aftermath survive my confession? Could I be strong enough to get over my feelings for her and maintain a friendship? The hard part is that we've both established we have something and perhaps one day it could be more; but in the meantime, we love getting to know one another, having our connection deepen with every visit, every e-mail exchanged.

There's a gigantic part of me that feels I am riding these feelings alone. And then I see her look at me from across a dimly lit room and I cannot help but think that gentle smile she sends in my direction is a way of saying, 'I feel it too.' It's the romantic in me I guess. I think about how close our lips were last Tuesday night and while my heart does not race, it feels just right; steady.

Chances Are

These are the lyrics of a song that was sent to me by Lucy today. With every line I could feel my mind trailing off in thought - how romantic, how deep and pure these lyrics are. And then I thought, well this is exactly how I feel about her, does Lucy feel as if this is how she feels about me? I do intend to "fight" or say what I need to say about what I feel for her; and I dare say I might use some of these lyrics to guide me through it.

Chances are you'll find me
Somewhere on your road tonight
Seems I always end up driving by
Ever since I've known you
It seems you're on my way

All the rules of logic don't apply
I long to see you in the night
Be with you 'til morning light

I remember clearly how you looked
The night we met
I recall your laughter and your smile
I remember how you made me
Feel so at ease
I remember all your grace and your style

And now you're all I long to see
You've come to mean so much to me

Chances are I'll see you
In my dreams tonight
You'll be smiling like the night we met
Chances are I'll hold you and I'll offer
All I have

You're the only one I can't forget
Baby you're the best I've ever met

And I'll be dreaming of the future
And hoping you'll be by my side
And in the morning I'll be longing for the night
For the night

Chances are I'll see you
Somewhere in my dreams tonight
You'll be smiling like the night we met
Chances are I'll hold you and I'll offer
All I have

You're the only one I can't forget
Baby you're the best I've ever met

Sitting in the graphics room of Studio 43, I didn't have much of an opportunity to respond appropriately. I managed a simple reply of how the lyrics were very powerful. I couldn't bring myself to say how much the lyrics struck a nerve within me. When I do say how I feel, I refuse to let it be through a letter - though many of my letters have opened the door, paved the way, laid the groundwork.

Who would have thought that Katy Perry's lyrics would also strike a chord within me; especially a song titled, "Teenage Dream". Lucy is more than a teenage dream, she is my missing piece. And Katy sings about that specific feeling towards the end of her addictive song, that I don't find myself ever growing tired of.

My heart stops..when you look at me.. take a chance & don't ever look back.. I finally found you my missing puzzle piece.

And that's just it. Lucy completes me. I know I can see the eyes rolling for the beyond cheesy Jerry Maguire reference, but it's so true. My whole life I have felt as if something were missing - all my puzzle pieces were jumbled; and as I have grown older, the puzzle has come together, inch by inch. Sometimes pieces that looked like the fit, ended up being the wrong one - but such is life. We move on, we grow and we learn there is more out there that help us find the answers, to fit the pieces of our puzzle that is our life.