Recipe for Success

There is a feeling of hollowness that lies within me despite my most recent journey with the course I am taking.  Or perhaps it is feeling of fear.  It could be linked to the fact I still don’t have a job regardless that I have applied to hundreds of positions I know I am more than qualified for.  I know I could be very successful in any of the positions that I have applied to – yet despite this, my application is not getting reviewed.  I quietly understand as to why, but no matter, I am annoyed, frustrated, and restless.  As the weeks have turned into months, my irritability level has drastically changed.  I am not a fan of this side of my personality, nor is my family.  Why is it that when we experience so much pain and frustration we take out our emotions on the people who care about and support us the most?  It’s deplorable.  It leaves me feeling shattered and shameful.  I was not raised to treat people with such lack of regard for loving people in one’s life.  I am ashamed.

Our feelings are poked, stoked and prodded throughout the day – it can depend on mindset, circumstances, and actions of others.  Some days we respond to these instances better than others; and lately I am far from patient.  For reasons that have already been discussed, my mindset has not been razor sharp.  I am greatly at fault for not being able to look beyond the pain with curiosity, with excitement – or with regularity for that matter.  I developed a quicksand mindset and it was only enhanced by excessive drinking and consuming fatty foods that can easily lead to future health problems.  I understand that it is I and only I who can change the direction of my life.  I have understood this from the day I was released from my job – but since mid-September, despite countless great meetings (none of which have resulted in employment), I have become full of doubt, disappointment.  Sometimes I feel as if I am searching for the fire poker to illuminate the tiny ember that flourished inside me when I first started on my career journey.

Fortunately the flame has never fully blown out, but at times, I have thrown up my hands and turned the other cheek, I have tossed back another whiskey shot, I have rolled over in my empty full-sized bed and ignored my alarm.  All of these have happened more than I would care to admit, more than my family should ever know.  I am ashamed.  I am in my early thirties, the second third of my life and sometimes I feel as if I am still fighting to be recognized as an early twenty-something.  There is more than one party to blame for this age freeze – but as time has passed, I realize it relies primarily on me; on my actions, on my words. 

Even still, when I am provided with certain items – my reaction is something I need to work on.  I have never been one to be able withhold my emotions or reactions.  I am a fighter by nature, yet I am an introvert.  I stand up for what I believe in, how I feel I deserve to be treated, how I want my friends to be treated.  It’s absolutely possible be both an introvert and a fighter.  Care to challenge me on that?
It’s possible because I fight back – even if it is against my parents.  Ironically, the lessons they taught me are coming back on them.  I am not a supporter of this behavior by any means; but it is triggered (and only enhanced by my mindset) – and it feels as a big black cauldron is being stirred.  While I know they have my best interests at heart, I am met with a mindset of wanting a level of independence I still have yet to achieve at my age.  Some of my friends have been married for nearly 10 years and I am still living under a microscope financially.  Of course this examination is a direct result of my career and how a fast approaching curve ball came into me; I was not prepared for it.  I did not see it coming, I felt the subway cars rushing by me in a blur – but all I heard was silence.  I was motionless until my upright body began to crumble.  The brick wall of defense I had built over the six years within the Company was gradually cracked with the nail in the cement, causing the bricks to slowly crack and break away.  Like ice quickly melting, my strength began to disappear.  I struggled to maintain any level of respectability.  I desperately wanted to fight back with words, with daggers – but my anger was suffocated by shock and perhaps some relief was mixed in this dangerous cocktail.

Lately, my reactions concern me, but I am also frustrated by the actions of others.  While the intention of love and concern is there – I interpret it as the exact opposite.  As soon as the advice is dispensed (usually when it is my mom), I feel my chest tighten, my jaw stiffen, my eyes begin to roll around in annoyance.  I have done this for years and I cannot seem to end this, no matter how hard I try to quietly listen, interpret and make my own decisions.  Sometimes I am very good at this, but more often than not, I eventually find my way back to frustration.  I am not a fan of this behavior, especially given my age. 

Almost two weeks ago I was given a dietary supplement that should help me cut back on fat, as well as improve my concentration and attitude.  I understand that is out of love and concern that this has been provided to me, but this is just another example of the caldron being stirred with the over sized wooden spoon.  I am not proud of my actions, but to be reminded of them frequently is a lot to take in.  I have never been easy on myself and contrary to what some may believe, I do mentally beat myself up on a regular basis.  Lately the punch out session with my mind has been failure.  I was gainfully employed by a company for over six years and I gave them everything I had and more.  When my job was stripped away from me, I was left naked and exposed.  I sought and still do, seek to find myself post-CBS.

I feel as if I have failed my parents.  I know that this isn’t the case; that I just happened to catch a bad break.  I miss the person I was in high school and college who went after everything with the utmost passion.  I understand that it comes directly from my actions and my inner mindset; yet sometimes, I wish the reigns would be loosened.  That’s just the thing – the reigns were loosened when I had financial stability and now, while I am not entirely in shambles, I am in a very needy stage of life.  Where most people have a spouse to rely on for financial support, I am alone.  I have financial obligations that connect me, forever, or for at least their lifetimes, to my parents.  It is a heavy responsibility – one that was only magnified by losing my job.

I need to exercise my mind.  I need to exercise my body.  I need to exercise my soul.  I need to bring back 16 year old, old soul Lindsay who was hard to stop, who thrived when faced with challenges, who stirred her own caldron of curiosity and never seemed to tire.  I can feel it slowly mixing, it’s slowly turning into something – it’s early on in the recipe but I can tell it is going to be something great and it’s up to me to ensure I can soak up in its delight.

Hot and Cold

At the end of June 2012, I met Katie at Pride weekend.  We struck up a conversation at a local bar and immediately hit it off despite the 7 year age gap between us.  As the last day of Pride turned into night, we found ourselves at one final bar with our new found friends.  There were free cocktails until 9 and our group was consuming them at a rapid pace.

While we sat next to each other in separate chairs, Katie and I were practically in each others laps.  Our hands wandered, our fingers danced.  We were building towards something, whether we knew it or not.  Around 10, Katie leaned in so close I could feel her breath on my cheek.  She whispered into my ear, "We need to get out of here now - because I can't sit here looking at you anymore without thinking about going down on you."

This was the second record scratch, stopping in my tracks, sexual moment in my life.  The first was when I woke up from my first sex dream and realized it was a woman giving me the most incredible pleasure I had yet to experience.  My eyes began to blink furiously, my cheeks flushed.  I rummaged through my purse to find my wallet; my small purse that felt like an abyss - my hands were shaking in excitement.  I put some money on the table, took Katie by the hand and led her out of the bar.

I wasn't expecting to hear from Katie again - despite the connections we seemed to share.  We discovered we both went to Emerson; however, she arrived a couple of years after I was graduated.  We had similar styles of humor, enjoyed television shows and coming up with ideas for plot twists, loved some of the same movies and our music tastes were practically identical.  But I did hear from her again - a few weeks later when I was back with my girlfriend and Katie was very drunk saying she wanted me in my bed again.
 
As the summer of 2012 turned into Fall, Jennifer and I continued to have our issues - including a separation that we never completed the discussion about.  We had talked in October 2012 about how Jennifer wouldn't sacrifice losing her family's love by coming out.  She told me in an e-mail she wanted to keep trying despite this. Unbeknownst to me, two days later she went on a date with a guy.  Two months later she told me she was seeing someone and it was getting serious.  Two months later we were kissing.  

Katie and I had maintained contact - occasionally texting.  One night she joined George and me for trivia.  George instantly took a liking to her; Katie didn't annoy him the way Jennifer did.  While Jennifer is a very sweet person, she is a handful at times.  Katie, despite her younger age, according to George, to have a confidence (yet, not arrogance) to her.  I agreed.

Katie has never hesitated to tell me how beautiful she thinks I am.  Katie has never hesitated to tell me what she wants to do to me - but lately, I have realized most of the time she says it when she's been drinking.  And sometimes this bothers me, but other times, I understand it.

A couple of weeks ago, we got together for the first time since our trivia meeting - which was almost a year earlier - only our third meeting.  We started simple and before we knew it we were day drinking.  The beers were flowing, the conversation was easy - and I don't think it was because of the beer.  I find it easy to talk to her and I think she finds it easy to talk to me.  We found our way back to my apartment, where we revisited June 2012.  It was a wild night.

The thing with Katie, I get the impression she has been hurt more than once.  On both night's she has never stayed - despite her leaving at 1am and 7am - after an all night affair.  Nor do I expect her to;  however, I worry about her traveling drunk at those times.  I barely know her, but I worry about her safety.

It feels as if Katie is into me, but sometimes she fades away.  We make tentative plans and then she backs out because she's tired.  I feel she wants to spend time with me.  Why else would you maintain contact with someone after having long sex-filled nights and talk to them about some of your greatest fears?  Perhaps I am just a flavor of the week; but why keep in touch with me this last year and a half?  There's something there.

I am sure sometimes I come on a bit too strong, I have always done that.  I am sure Katie feels a little uncomfortable, but frankly, I don't mean any harm - I am simply trying to be nice.  Yet, when I step back, I realize it could be seen as too much.  The funny thing is, I have a motive behind my offerings.

I am not asking for forever from Katie.  I am looking for physical, I am not in the right mindset for a relationship.  But when she backed out on our plans last night, I was upset.  I cried a little bit - which surprised me.  She had been telling me early in the week how much she wanted to be with me at a lesbian bar, dancing with me, kissing me and letting the night take us away. 

I don't think I would be this annoyed, if I hadn't met Anne on Thursday night.  There's always a curve ball, isn't there?  Katie and I met up at a bar in Hell's Kitchen.  The conversation was fluid as per usual and then she told me about this girl Anne that she had met at a party recently.  In a drunken state, Katie told Anne (who is bisexual), that she wanted to have sex with her.  Nothing came from it. 

Katie's friend Eric was also out in Hell's Kitchen and she asked if I would mind if we joined him.  I didn't mind at all - always up to meet more people.  Little did I know, that Katie was getting drunk rather quickly.  When we arrived at the second bar, I was introduced to the group - there was one girl amongst the three boys - Anne.  The Anne from the party.

Katie and I squeezed into the booth and Anne struck up a conversation with Katie.  I sipped my beer and ate my free hot dogs.  At one point, Katie's hand was on my thigh - which she held there for quite some time.  And if she removed it, she eventually put her hand back.  I don't think Anne saw any of this. At one point when I bought more beer for Katie and myself, she commented, "It's like your my sugar daddy.  I like how you take charge in a bar and when we have sex - it's really hot."  I smirked at her, bumped into her playfully and we winked at each other.

About 10 minutes later, I joked with her about how could she NOT sleep with Anne, for she seemed to be cute.  Katie turned to whisper into my ear, "It's because she plays games and I hate games.  You don't play games.  That's why I want and like you."  I knew why we wouldn't that night, and I was okay with that.    A short while later and another beer down for Katie, another pitch came in my direction - a bit of a change up - "I really want to sleep with both you and Anne.  And maybe even together."  I didn't really know how to respond, other than, "I see."  Then Anne struck up a conversation with Katie about one of her favorite shows, American Horror Story. 
 
We hadn't been there more than an hour, when I noticed Katie got extremely quiet and had a look on her face that screamed, "get me out of here".  The bar was very crowded and even in a booth, I too, felt claustrophobic.  I asked her if she wanted to go home and she said yes.  We walked to the Times Square Subway together; as we said goodbye, she pulled me in for a kiss (which led to several), and she said she wanted to go home with me, but wanted her bed.  I understood.  After one more kiss, we parted like the red sea - she headed to the 1/2/3 and I to the N/Q/R.

She texted me to thank me for getting her to the subway that night; then again on Friday - hoping that she wasn't too much of a pain.  I know Katie is "young".  I know I am wanting physical.  But as a friend told me, "It sounds like she wants her cake and to eat it too."  I would have been fine not knowing Anne.  Now I feel like I have competition.  And that's the thing, I have never been one to get involved with someone just physically.  I have always known mentally I cannot handle it.

But with Katie it's different.  I like how we bounce ideas and conversation off of each other.  I like how I laugh in ways I haven't laughed in months.  I am not asking for commitment, I just want a little clarity.  Perhaps it is I who needs to be hot and cold.

Undisclosed Desires

I think I might have a crush on you again.  Then again, I don’t know if I ever stopped liking you.  We saw each other at your party for New Year's.  I ventured out to Brooklyn to see your new apartment that you share with your girlfriend of at least two years (though, I know there was a break or two in that time period).

We met in 2007 at the Network.  It was your first job out of college and I was new to network television.  I had previously held a few production positions, but this new job was a big break for me.  I could not have been more excited about the opportunity.  

Sometimes when we reminisce about our first meeting - you like to point out your very specific memory of me.  I find this to be rather delightful that you have such a detailed memory on our meeting; however, when it comes to other things - you always say that I am the one with the amazing memory.

There I was standing at the photocopier in my button down, dress pants and flip flops.  I hadn't had a chance to change into my heels - as my supervisor asked me to copy something as soon as I walked in the office.  But what completed the ensemble, was the fact I was tossing a basketball back and forth between my hands while waiting for the copies to be finished.

You came into the copy room to get a few things - but I wouldn't be able to tell you what.  I don't remember meeting you at all.  My appearance left a mark on you, you would later tell me; that from that impression alone, you knew I was gay.  To this very day, I still laugh at this.

The meeting I do remember is that Tuesday night in October a group of us elected to go out for drinks after work.  I struck up a conversation with you, introducing myself, since I didn't recognize you - I was immediately drawn to your personality and humor.  You were also quite cute and pretty.  There were at least 10 of us at the outing, but you and I, for the most part kept to ourselves.  We talked about sports, music, television - and at one point, I outed myself to you.  I never felt comfortable doing that, but for some reason, with you, it felt natural; but most of all, it felt safe. 

The night wore on and before we both knew it, it was very late and we both had trains out of Penn Station to catch.  We ran out of the bar laughing, as we fell into each other.  It was the first moment of silence we shared.  I remember hearing both our mouths swallowing, we looked into each others eyes and our heads tilted.  The beer filled buzz, pushed us closer - or maybe we really were attracted to each other - oh, fuck it.  We fell into each other and there began our very long lip tango - all the way to Penn Station and it continued at Penn Station.  In fact, I walked you to your track at Long Island Rail Road and it continued there too. 

I was smitten immediately; you not so much.  There was someone else in your life, but you didn't know how serious it was, since you had only just met her a few weeks earlier.  But that did not stop us from getting to know each other.  We would instant message throughout the day; I would go visit you on your side of the office for long chunks of time - but they only felt like minutes.  It always felt so easy with you.  I also liked how you poked fun at me - I always deserve a good ribbing and you knew just how to make me laugh.

You became girlfriends with the girl shortly thereafter, but our friendship strengthened.  Nearly a year later you told me that if we weren't co-workers, that things might be different for us.  Nine months later we were no longer co-workers, but you were newly single.  You were needing space from anything involving commitment - there were random one stands that you told me about and I quietly wished I could have at least kissed you.  Then again, I too was going through the aftermath of a break-up and it was consuming me.

A couple of years ago you started dating your current girlfriend.  I like her, but sometimes, I get the impression she's watching us like a hawk when you and I interact.  Perhaps it is our body language or the excessive amount of laughter that occurs between us.  You have broken up with her a couple of times, for reasons that need not be mentioned here.  During those times, you spoke openly to me about the hurt that she had caused you.  Ironically, I too was going through similar hurt with my ex-girlfriend.  But nothing ever happened between you and I.

When I lost my job, you were the second person I called - after all, you had left the Network two years earlier and at that time, felt I should leave too.  You offered me so much support and encouragement.  Even via the telephone, I could tell how much you cared and felt for me.  I was crying and yet, you didn't seem to be perturbed by it.  You listened and made me laugh.

Whenever I see you, I feel my body immediately get relaxed - I feel so good around you.  You really know how to make a girl smile.  You encourage me, you seem to just truly value me for me as a person and I couldn't be luckier.  When I entered your apartment on the last day of 2013, our eyes locked and we both smiled.  "HEYYYYY!!!" We both exchanged a very loud and silly manner.  Our arms went flying up and out and we approached each other for a terrific hug.  I know my mind went immediately to thinking what it would be like to kiss you.  This thought crossed my mind at least five times during the night and I reversed my decision to sleep over.  I knew I couldn't stomach sleeping on the couch, knowing you two were both in bed only a few doors down.

You always call me out when I dwell on things' or when you think I am being mistreated (my ex-girlfriend was a prime example) - you know me better than I know myself sometimes.  I love that about you.  As the night came to a close, you were drunk, as was your girlfriend and I was slightly stoned.  There were a few other people there and we were all sitting around the living room.  Your girlfriend leaned in to kiss you and then you and I locked eyes, just like that night in October 2007.  I felt my breath tighten and could hear myself desperately trying to gain some moisture in my mouth.  My head immediately went down, but I was able to see your head move away and down from your girlfriend's request for intimacy.  I don't know if this struck you the way it struck me.

I am so lucky to have your friendship  and that is why I am hesitant to say anything.  I also don't want to say anything because you seem to be happy with your girlfriend now.  You have seemed to work things out despite the pain she caused you.  That you were able to move on.  This is why I fear my feelings might just have to go forever undisclosed.

Help Wanted

"We have reviewed your application and have elected not to pursue your candidacy for this position".

I have seen this notification more often than I would like to admit.  Frankly, it has been hard maintaining a high level of positive thinking. 

I was with my previous employer for six years.  I gave the Company everything I had - even when I was living at home with my parents in New Jersey, my dedication to the Network was never questioned.  Need someone to carry tapes across the street?  Lindsay will do it.  Need a graphic proofread?  Lindsay will do it.  Need someone to stay late even though they already paid their dues in the research department?  Lindsay will do it.  Need someone to manage the softball team?   Lindsay will do it.

Sure there were times that I put up a fight - by rolling my eyes behind their backs; or took a deep breath in order to avoid snapping back at an angry producer (though it did happen on occasion and while I am not proud of it, it had to be done). 

When I left the Company at the end of June, I was all over the map emotionally.  A mixture of fear, excitement and relief.  A very lethal cocktail.  At any given moment any of these emotions could come out; and sometimes they came out when I was drinking.

I would like to say I have moved on from the Company's decision to release me.  But I haven't.  While the frustration is decreasing, I still am upset with the decision.  There are too many question marks, too many signs that this was a deliberate move by my old boss and only my boss.  Despite endless praise and extraordinary reviews from nearly every person I worked with, my old boss felt it was time for us to part ways.

The driving force behind my frustration is how much my old boss knew of my passion for the feature side of the industry and yet, did very little to steer me in the right direction.  The Company merged with the 24-7 version of the Company and a lot of opportunities were coming about, especially in the feature unit.  Why couldn't he have simply made contact for me and recommended me to work with this part of the Company rather than the one I had been with for six years?  It leads me to believe he simply wanted me gone.  I get it.  It happens.

This is not to say he did not initially help me.  He did provide me with several names of people at other networks - and while I have met with some of these people - no employment opportunities have come about.


I have had two great meetings with very important people at a show - my dream job.  Each person has commented on the quality of my work and research - but each has said, they are not hiring, even with a position being posted on their job board.  I keep in regular contact with them, hoping for something to break.

When I apply to the positions online - I know I am up against thousands of applicants; I know the inner workings - the interviews are not going to the online applicants; rather they're going to someone within the Company, the former intern, or the kid of a friend.  I saw it with my own eyes at my old job.  It does get very old, telling yourself repeatedly, that you are far more qualified than any of those applicants.  I can even feel myself steadying my breath as I type this - so that I avoid the tears welling up in the corners of my eyes.

I am presently enrolled in an edit course, hoping this will make my resume stand out even more.  I have one week under my belt, five more to go.  I do not like the word desperate - but I am.  Desperate for work.  Desperate to showcase my abilities.  Desperate to contribute to the workforce.

I am desperate.  My unemployment benefits have stopped and I am not able to file another claim until July.  If I don't find a job, and at this point ANY job - I am going to have to move home to New Jersey and sublet my apartment.  When my parents and I purchased this property, we went in with the fact my working life had stability.  Two years later it came crashing down.  I certainly didn't see it coming.

I remember when I first left graduate school, I told myself I would not let work define me, I would have a balance between work and play.  That slowly disappeared with every weekend I worked until two in the morning on Saturday night.  That slowly disappeared every time I packed my suitcase on a Thursday night, only to fly out the next morning.

I am now in a battle with myself, my thoughts and feelings.  I am single.  I am entering my 34 year of life and I am owning up to my mistakes.  I am in charge of this ship.  You may see me go off course, but isn't that part of the way life works?  Isn't that all part of the adventure?


In the middle of difficulty, lies opportunity. - Einstein -