CHOICES

Choices.  If you look closely – they are everywhere.  Some are big.  Some are meaningless.  Some cause us to stop in our tracks at a future date – wondering was this the right decision?  Choices.

I chose to focus on my work on July 30^th.  It was the only way I knew – after all, I couldn’t afford to mess anything up.  I had too much riding on the upcoming weeks and to get lose in the contents of my head wouldn’t do any good.  I knew that this writing would come, as much as I have tried to fight it.

On July 29^th, Becca broke up with me.  I’d be lying if I told you I was surprised; for a week or so prior to it happening, I could feel a distance between us.  My birthday felt forced – and when she came to visit me at my apartment, it almost felt as if she didn’t want to be there.  Perhaps some of it was guilt that she forgot exactly when my birthday was.  As the days drew closer to it, she made no mention of my birthday.  I chose not to remind her.  I chose not to make any mention of it.  I guess in a way I was testing her.

The break up stung despite it needing to happen.  Nearly two months later, I’ve almost completely closed the door.  I choose to still feel sadness when it comes to thinking about what unraveled between Becca and me.  I accept it and there are days I do not feel sadness – I feel annoyance.  But ultimately, I understand that it was not me and rather it was her.  It simply was her issues.  Yet, there are days it is as if Becca and I never existed.  We are something that has disappeared in the dark night – never to be seen again.  Ever.  While Becca and I were more than likely not right for each other, there’s something very difficult about this relationship ending. 

Yet, despite this, I choose to start again.  I choose to open my heart again and let love in – albeit, slowly.

On August 22^nd I came home after a long day at work – I said goodnight to my extremely chatty doorman Sean, before even giving him the opportunity to engage me in conversation.  I was nearly at the elevators when his Irish accent bellowed down the hallway, “Oh Lindsay.  I have something for you.”  I stopped in my tracks and hesitantly turned back.  I couldn’t imagine what it would be; but as Sean approached me with a small Starbucks bag with my name and apartment number on it, I quietly hoped it would be from Becca.  An apology bag; or was it something worse?  Was it something else that was mine that she had forgotten to return to me and this was it?  My heart ached with every step Sean and I took towards each other.

I wished Sean goodnight again as I took the bag and returned to the elevators; I peaked inside and began to think, “Maybe it’s Mackenzie wishing me good luck at the US Open.”  I was set to start work there in just 14 short hours.  I saw my guilty pleasures – Cheetos, Reese’s peanut butter – and oh!  A note!  It was on stationary and it looked like several pages, my heart began to race, ‘it HAS to be from Becca!  She’s writing to apologize!’  I grew excited and as soon as I saw the handwriting, my heart sunk.  It came crashing down – I went to the last page to confirm what my eyes were thinking.

It ended with a simple close

Always, Jennifer

It stopped me dead in my tracks – and I missed the elevator.  I returned the letter to the bag and entered the elevator with a body that felt as if it had a weight thrown on it.  As the elevator ascended, I could feel myself weakening with every floor.  ‘Why?’  ‘Why now?’  ‘What part of my lack of response to any form of communication did she not understand?’  ‘Why can’t she just accept I don’t want her in my life?’  I was unraveling and I couldn’t have been happier to arrive on the 21^st floor.  Closing my apartment door took very little strength, but the resounding thud it made, sounded like my heart – hollow.  I cried.  Not loudly or awkwardly, just a steady stream of tears – like a faucet that had no ability to turn off.  I walked to my closet, stood on my toes and put the bag far out of reach – and sight. 

I chose not to look any further – even though I was tempted to eat the Reese’s peanut butter cup – I chose not to let her “win”.  I had too much to do these next 12 days and I needed every bit of concentrate to stay with me.  It stayed there until September 4^th.

The letter was light, there was a weak attempt at a sexual joke that didn’t even make me smile – it annoyed me.  It reminded me of how annoyed she made me feel towards the end of our relationship.  I was told I could visit any time – and an address was provided.  I rolled my eyes at the thought of that.  While she did mention that she hoped I was happy and that I deserved to be happy, it felt forced.  It felt as if there was something more she wanted to say, but just couldn’t bring herself to say.

I chose to text her to say thank you.  We wrote back and forth for just about an hour – before I simply stopped replying.  I chose to stop.  I didn’t want to hear any more.  Which bring us to yesterday.  She texted me about the Friends replica coffee house – apparently she’s working the event.  It wasn’t entirely clear.  I didn’t respond.  I went about my Sunday and kept my phone buried in my jeans as I watched football and consumed my third order of wings in two days.

Later, I began to settle in for the evening, when my phone alerted me yet again.  I was not quick to check – but when I did, I groaned.  “Happy Blue Room day!”  It was Jennifer again.  This time she was reminding me of something that I hadn’t even thought about.  Strangely enough, she remembered that the 21^st marked our first date three years ago at the Blue Room.  It took a great deal of strength to not shout out in annoyance, “Nice of you to remember it NOW!”  Instead, I turned over my phone, walked to my freezer and took out a Chipwich.  I chose comfort over addressing the situation.

The truth is, Jennifer and I did share a connection I had never truly experienced with someone.  The truth is, I saw a future with her that I have never seen with anyone else.  The truth is, she broke my heart – three times.  The truth is, she cannot give me what I want.  The truth is, while I do want us to be friends, she has made it very difficult. 

It annoys me that she still remembers where I live; and quite frankly it also rattles me a bit.  I come home with a hint of trepidation most nights.  I don’t know how I would react and I would hope that whomever is on duty would tell her not to wait for me.  It annoys me that she seems to still lurk in a needy way (unless of course that is my mind playing tricks on me) – I am extremely hesitant to let her back in my life right now.  I simply cannot afford to have such a taxing personality in my life.  I know I couldn't handle her needs as a friend – and she always had a blurry vision of what our friendship was.  Her actions when she was dating the guy she broke up with me for, was a prime example of that.

I choose to ignore you yet again Jennifer.  I know this is hurtful to you – and I am so very sorry to do that to you.  I never want to be the bad one – but in this case, I must draw the line.  Perhaps one day, I will be in a place where I can choose to let you in.  Not now. 

I choose to work on my strength – inner and physical.  I choose to look after me.  I choose to let my heart open again.  I choose to discover someone new.  I choose to give everything I have to things that excite me.  I choose to let someone in.

It's Never Too Late

In mid January a friend of mine from trivia night at the Recovery Room, presented me with a challenge.  A challenge I immediately accepted; however, since then, I have not completed the task.  That night, Lizzie and I were seated at the bar and talking about what was next for me career wise.  We both held our pint glasses that were filled with Bud Light.  Lizzie understood my pain - losing a job in a very competitive industry, especially in the number one market in the country. 
While Lizzie has not lost her job, she knows how much I love the industry and I know of her love for the industry as well.  Lizzie has about 20 or more years experience than I do and has been very encouraging throughout my unemployment.  While her company is not hiring, Lizzie has never missed a moment to ask me how I am doing and how she can help.

That January night I did ask for some additional help and Lizzie said, "You seem happier lately and I don't know if it's because of your relationship ending or if it is the edit course you just started; but it's nice to see."  I thanked her and said that I did feel a tremendous difference within my mindset and perhaps some of it was linked to both of the things she mentioned.  Deep down it did hurt to hear someone else, in addition to myself, acknowledging that I seemed happier - as a result of breaking up with the woman I could see myself having a family with.  I took a longer sip of my nearly empty beer.

Lizzie continued, "So let that continue.  Embrace all the good things that going to come your way this year.  It's a bit tough right now, but you can really make your own happiness, keep growing and focusing on what is best for you."

It wasn't the cheap Bud Light that was provoking these groundbreaking statements, it was Lizzie recognizing potential within me.  Sometimes we all need someone (or many people) to remind us just how capable we are.  Sometimes we, as individuals, aren't enough as our own support club.

I smiled and began to nod my head in excitement.  I could feel my wings beginning to grow a bit out of my back.  Lizzie wouldn't stop, "Here's your challenge.  Make a list of 50 things you want out of 2014.  It's harder than you think.  But don't give up on it."

Well, one month later - challenge accepted and commenced.... NOW.

50 Things I Want Out of 2014

1)  I want to be kinder to myself in all capacities.

2)  I want to get a job that makes me feel fulfilled emotionally.  I realize I am currently in survival mode - where to start, I must take any job to stay in NYC.  My deadline is April 1.

3)  I want to get into shape, not necessarily college fit Lindsay, but in shape where I don't feel winded walking up four flights of stairs.  My mindset is deeply rooted in frustration and I do not like this.  I am taking out it out on the two people who love me most.

4)  I want to stop spending time with people who are downward thinking in their belief of themselves.

5)  I want to speak my mind when someone makes me upset - particularly friends who treat me with condescending tones when it comes to my work and social frustrations.

6)  I want to eat better - less bad fats.  I would like to quit my Cheetos fix.

7)  I want to read at least 15 books.  As of February 21st, I have read two.  I want the topics of the books to vary.

8)  I want to try to write almost every day - even if it is a paragraph about what I felt was positive about that particular day or a few small moments that I am grateful for.

9)  I want to learn more about my mom.  My mom was a career driven woman, who always had time for her family.  I want to learn what made her have such passion and drive for all that she did professionally.

10) I want to learn more about my dad's side of the family - if at all possible.  Not a lot of my dad's family communicates, in fact, his sister rarely reaches out anymore.

11) I want to take my nephew and niece to a museum on my own - and see if I can handle being a single mom.

12) I want to visit a different museum every month - already went to the Museum of Natural History in February. 

13) I want to watch at least two documentaries every week - similar to reading books, the subjects need to vary.  Think history, sex, crime, politics, environment.

14) I want to go to church more.  I don’t think I will become a regular attendee; but I do miss going to a service once and awhile.

15) I want to explore more of the city and not just Manhattan.  There is so much in Brooklyn – especially the tiny Italian communities that my grandparents spoke about when I was a child.

16) I want to read at least two books of the Bible – most likely Psalms and Proverbs.

17) I want to be better at keeping in touch with my friends.  In the years that I worked with the Network – it took over my social life.  I hope to call my friends with more frequency or at least e-mail them short notes of the happenings in NYC; only in turn, hopefully to hear about their kids etc.

18) I want to cut back on my drinking.  While I do not have a problem, I feel there are times I have that last drink that should have been my last drink one or two drinks earlier.

19) I want to have at least one of my writings published – no matter what the publication is.

20) I want to learn how to cook a salmon dish – preferably one I can make in the oven or on the stove.

21) I want to visit my relatives more than once up in the Berkshires.  I used to do this with much greater frequency when I lived in Boston.

22) I want to visit both cemeteries where my grandparents are buried to spend some time with them.  I miss their company and their life lessons.

23) I want to volunteer.  I miss the days of going to the soup kitchen after high school; or my habitat for humanity days with Senior High Fellowship.  Whether it would be cleaning up a park, stocking shelves at a local library – I want to give back.

24) I want to go to a Yankees game to see Derek Jeter play one last time.  Yes, even a Red Sox fan wants to see him on his farewell tour.

25) I want to go back to Coney Island to eat more Nathan’s hot dogs and fries – and of course have one of their HUGE beers.  Then find my way to sit on the beach – to either go swimming or just look at the ocean.

26) I want to complete a 1,000 piece puzzle on my own.  I don’t know where I would put it in my apartment – but I will find a way.

27) I want to attend a Human Rights Campaign meeting or seminar in NYC.

28) I want to read at least 5 international news articles on a daily basis - whether it's through npr.org, cnn.com, msnbc.com or foxnews.com - I believe it is important to get your news from all sources of media and form your own opinion.

29) I want to start a new sport; it's possible, I've played it once before, but it is time to join an "intramural" sports team in the city - think zog sports.

30) I want to learn how to play poker - perhaps I can rope my brother-in-law into doing this with me.

31) I want to buy my nephew a tennis racquet and bring him to a tennis court this summer - preferably in New Jersey, where it is a bit quieter and cheaper than NYC!  Next summer, I would like to do the same with my niece.

32) I want to become more knowledgeable when it comes it various forms of social media.  I believe knowledge is power and the more I know about these ways of networking and videography, can only make me a more effective employee.

33) I want to meditate at least twice a week.  I need to find an inner balance to keep me grounded, especially once my schedule begins to pick up again.

34) I want to find a new hobby.  I have a lot of fun things in my life - crosswords, sports, reading, cooking, writing.  Something un-Lindsay like - such as knitting?

35) I want to continue to be polite and proper.  I was raised in such a manner that it is appropriate to give up your seat for someone older - man or woman; to hold the elevator door; to step behind your friend when walking down the sidewalk and approaching two people.  Good manners should never disappear.

36) I want keep my heart, mind and eyes open at all times - for anything.  Whether it is love, an act of kindness - there is beauty all around us on a daily basis.  We just need to slow down and take the time to see it, breath it, feel it.

37) I want come up with an appropriate outline to revisit my master's project from graduate school.  I see potential in finding a way to cover this story again.  I found all the old footage; I would need to find my transcripts and other paper work.

38) I want to take another drop in ballet class - at a different studio in New York City.

39) I want to attend a Mets game at CitiField - sitting in the bleachers and eat some BBQ.

40) I want to go to a classical concert at Lincoln Center or the opera at the Met least once.

41) I want to visit a brewery - most likely in Brooklyn.  Where I can learn how beer is made! Sweeeeeeet!

42) I want to wake up to see the sunrise more than once.  Must ask around for best places in NYC to see the sunrise as soon as possible.

43) I want to visit a court room - and if the proceedings are open to the public, I would like to sit in the gallery and observe a case.

44) I want to be an extra once or twice on a television show - think Orange is the New Black or Law and Order SVU. 

45) I want to get up on stage and sing karaoke - SOBER.  Not one ounce of alcohol inside my bones.

46) I want to get to know my brother-in-law even more.  He's an amazing man, who works hard, is a terrific and involved father, quietly funny, dedicated - I could go on.  I am so grateful he is my sister's partner for life.  I love how he balances her, makes her laugh, supports her, encourages her - he is one of the most incredible men I have ever met.

47) I want to not sell myself short.  This can be coupled with being kinder to myself. But for too long I have been "aw-shucks".  I am not saying I need to be arrogant, but I need to sell myself with confidence.  I have the goods, I can deliver the goods and a lot of people have seen that and others need to see it.  I am worthy.

48) I want to take a yoga class.  If I don't like it, I don't like it and move on.

49) I want to go to Staten Island - wait, WHAT?  to eat Italian food and catch a Staten Island Yankees game.

50) I want to pitch a food show idea to the Food Network.

Online - Off Target

The commercials flood your television promising you love is just around the corner; the advertisements encourage you to stop wasting your time and find your true soul mate.  It would seem to be simple enough - look at the fun they're having on their actual first date!  They're laughing and smiling!  Why not get started TODAY?

I have used the online dating market more than I would care to admit.  My last three relationships have come as a result of online dating.  I do not regret that at all, in fact, I am grateful for it.  However, in my most recent exploration with these sites that guarantee you will find love, I have felt nothing but frustration.

I think the frustration is deeply connected to my employment situation.  I am trying to be as focused and optimistic as possible when it comes to work; however, it is more challenging than I would like to admit.  Last Friday I completed a six-week edit course, where I learned two new software programs in addition to AVID.  No employment is guaranteed; however, I would like to think this addition to my resume certainly makes it stand out even more.

Thursday night I have a date and while I am not yet nervous for it, I am barely excited at the possibility of what may come from it.  I am over my most recent relationship and I am ready for what's next; however, due to my work situation I do not think I am ready for love.  It has been said countless times, "You can't love someone,  until you can love yourself."  It is not that I don't love myself - I do, very much so.  But I simply feel I need to continue to focus on me these days.  I need to solidify my inner compass, to strengthen my professional life.  As a result of the strength, I believe I can become a better partner.  My most recent relationship, I often found myself sacrificing my own happiness, to make my ex feel loved and happy at all times.

One of the biggest worries I have always had about being in a relationship with someone, are the financials.  My previous job did not pay me well at all - in fact, what I was paid could easily qualify for minimum wage, considering the hours I put in.  At the time, I was dating someone who could barely make ends meet - taking any type of temping job she could land.  While some temporary assignments pay very well, they can end at any time.  She never seemed to have a plan for full-time work, other than pursuing acting and comedy.  I guess I need a sugar mama.  This is not to say I would live off of her hard earned money, it would be nice for our incomes, when combined to reach nearly six-figures.

The frustration can also be linked with the fact that no one seems to reply.  I find myself scrolling through profile after profile.  Perhaps I am too picky, but I know what I like and want in a woman.  This is not to say that the other women on the site don't; but I am beginning to have a very hard time understanding why people don't seem to respond.  It takes me almost two hours to find at least 10 women to write.  The women who reach out to me, are women I could never imagine being with.  Say whatever you need to say, but I just have, well, standards.

When I write the women I am attracted to, I find something within their profile that stands out to me - or makes me curious to learn more about them.  Is it so bad to have that personal connection in the first contact?  It is not as if I am writing a novel to them; on the contrary, I'm writing a three sentence letter, that's complimenting them.  Of the 20 women I recently wrote on one site that I am on, two, yes two, have written back.  Two is better than one or none.  But naturally a game is presently being played.  They read the note that very night and didn't write back for three days.  Naturally, I wait for two for my reply and now I am going on a week waiting to hear back from them. 

This is not unfamiliar territory for me.  It's almost expected at this rate and quite frankly it's annoying.  Sure, I am not fully ready to date seriously; but what is the deal with these women?  My notes are far from perverted or rude.  They're thoughtful, friendly, and sincere.  And guess what?  In all of their profiles, they write about wanting something "real", "no more games", "an intellectual conversation" - all of it.  So what is the issue?  Why do so many people who join online dating say they are sick of the bar scene, yet hide behind this wall that is the internet?  What will it take for people to break down the walls of the internet and take a leap?

Recipe for Success

There is a feeling of hollowness that lies within me despite my most recent journey with the course I am taking.  Or perhaps it is feeling of fear.  It could be linked to the fact I still don’t have a job regardless that I have applied to hundreds of positions I know I am more than qualified for.  I know I could be very successful in any of the positions that I have applied to – yet despite this, my application is not getting reviewed.  I quietly understand as to why, but no matter, I am annoyed, frustrated, and restless.  As the weeks have turned into months, my irritability level has drastically changed.  I am not a fan of this side of my personality, nor is my family.  Why is it that when we experience so much pain and frustration we take out our emotions on the people who care about and support us the most?  It’s deplorable.  It leaves me feeling shattered and shameful.  I was not raised to treat people with such lack of regard for loving people in one’s life.  I am ashamed.

Our feelings are poked, stoked and prodded throughout the day – it can depend on mindset, circumstances, and actions of others.  Some days we respond to these instances better than others; and lately I am far from patient.  For reasons that have already been discussed, my mindset has not been razor sharp.  I am greatly at fault for not being able to look beyond the pain with curiosity, with excitement – or with regularity for that matter.  I developed a quicksand mindset and it was only enhanced by excessive drinking and consuming fatty foods that can easily lead to future health problems.  I understand that it is I and only I who can change the direction of my life.  I have understood this from the day I was released from my job – but since mid-September, despite countless great meetings (none of which have resulted in employment), I have become full of doubt, disappointment.  Sometimes I feel as if I am searching for the fire poker to illuminate the tiny ember that flourished inside me when I first started on my career journey.

Fortunately the flame has never fully blown out, but at times, I have thrown up my hands and turned the other cheek, I have tossed back another whiskey shot, I have rolled over in my empty full-sized bed and ignored my alarm.  All of these have happened more than I would care to admit, more than my family should ever know.  I am ashamed.  I am in my early thirties, the second third of my life and sometimes I feel as if I am still fighting to be recognized as an early twenty-something.  There is more than one party to blame for this age freeze – but as time has passed, I realize it relies primarily on me; on my actions, on my words. 

Even still, when I am provided with certain items – my reaction is something I need to work on.  I have never been one to be able withhold my emotions or reactions.  I am a fighter by nature, yet I am an introvert.  I stand up for what I believe in, how I feel I deserve to be treated, how I want my friends to be treated.  It’s absolutely possible be both an introvert and a fighter.  Care to challenge me on that?
It’s possible because I fight back – even if it is against my parents.  Ironically, the lessons they taught me are coming back on them.  I am not a supporter of this behavior by any means; but it is triggered (and only enhanced by my mindset) – and it feels as a big black cauldron is being stirred.  While I know they have my best interests at heart, I am met with a mindset of wanting a level of independence I still have yet to achieve at my age.  Some of my friends have been married for nearly 10 years and I am still living under a microscope financially.  Of course this examination is a direct result of my career and how a fast approaching curve ball came into me; I was not prepared for it.  I did not see it coming, I felt the subway cars rushing by me in a blur – but all I heard was silence.  I was motionless until my upright body began to crumble.  The brick wall of defense I had built over the six years within the Company was gradually cracked with the nail in the cement, causing the bricks to slowly crack and break away.  Like ice quickly melting, my strength began to disappear.  I struggled to maintain any level of respectability.  I desperately wanted to fight back with words, with daggers – but my anger was suffocated by shock and perhaps some relief was mixed in this dangerous cocktail.

Lately, my reactions concern me, but I am also frustrated by the actions of others.  While the intention of love and concern is there – I interpret it as the exact opposite.  As soon as the advice is dispensed (usually when it is my mom), I feel my chest tighten, my jaw stiffen, my eyes begin to roll around in annoyance.  I have done this for years and I cannot seem to end this, no matter how hard I try to quietly listen, interpret and make my own decisions.  Sometimes I am very good at this, but more often than not, I eventually find my way back to frustration.  I am not a fan of this behavior, especially given my age. 

Almost two weeks ago I was given a dietary supplement that should help me cut back on fat, as well as improve my concentration and attitude.  I understand that is out of love and concern that this has been provided to me, but this is just another example of the caldron being stirred with the over sized wooden spoon.  I am not proud of my actions, but to be reminded of them frequently is a lot to take in.  I have never been easy on myself and contrary to what some may believe, I do mentally beat myself up on a regular basis.  Lately the punch out session with my mind has been failure.  I was gainfully employed by a company for over six years and I gave them everything I had and more.  When my job was stripped away from me, I was left naked and exposed.  I sought and still do, seek to find myself post-CBS.

I feel as if I have failed my parents.  I know that this isn’t the case; that I just happened to catch a bad break.  I miss the person I was in high school and college who went after everything with the utmost passion.  I understand that it comes directly from my actions and my inner mindset; yet sometimes, I wish the reigns would be loosened.  That’s just the thing – the reigns were loosened when I had financial stability and now, while I am not entirely in shambles, I am in a very needy stage of life.  Where most people have a spouse to rely on for financial support, I am alone.  I have financial obligations that connect me, forever, or for at least their lifetimes, to my parents.  It is a heavy responsibility – one that was only magnified by losing my job.

I need to exercise my mind.  I need to exercise my body.  I need to exercise my soul.  I need to bring back 16 year old, old soul Lindsay who was hard to stop, who thrived when faced with challenges, who stirred her own caldron of curiosity and never seemed to tire.  I can feel it slowly mixing, it’s slowly turning into something – it’s early on in the recipe but I can tell it is going to be something great and it’s up to me to ensure I can soak up in its delight.

Hot and Cold

At the end of June 2012, I met Katie at Pride weekend.  We struck up a conversation at a local bar and immediately hit it off despite the 7 year age gap between us.  As the last day of Pride turned into night, we found ourselves at one final bar with our new found friends.  There were free cocktails until 9 and our group was consuming them at a rapid pace.

While we sat next to each other in separate chairs, Katie and I were practically in each others laps.  Our hands wandered, our fingers danced.  We were building towards something, whether we knew it or not.  Around 10, Katie leaned in so close I could feel her breath on my cheek.  She whispered into my ear, "We need to get out of here now - because I can't sit here looking at you anymore without thinking about going down on you."

This was the second record scratch, stopping in my tracks, sexual moment in my life.  The first was when I woke up from my first sex dream and realized it was a woman giving me the most incredible pleasure I had yet to experience.  My eyes began to blink furiously, my cheeks flushed.  I rummaged through my purse to find my wallet; my small purse that felt like an abyss - my hands were shaking in excitement.  I put some money on the table, took Katie by the hand and led her out of the bar.

I wasn't expecting to hear from Katie again - despite the connections we seemed to share.  We discovered we both went to Emerson; however, she arrived a couple of years after I was graduated.  We had similar styles of humor, enjoyed television shows and coming up with ideas for plot twists, loved some of the same movies and our music tastes were practically identical.  But I did hear from her again - a few weeks later when I was back with my girlfriend and Katie was very drunk saying she wanted me in my bed again.
 
As the summer of 2012 turned into Fall, Jennifer and I continued to have our issues - including a separation that we never completed the discussion about.  We had talked in October 2012 about how Jennifer wouldn't sacrifice losing her family's love by coming out.  She told me in an e-mail she wanted to keep trying despite this. Unbeknownst to me, two days later she went on a date with a guy.  Two months later she told me she was seeing someone and it was getting serious.  Two months later we were kissing.  

Katie and I had maintained contact - occasionally texting.  One night she joined George and me for trivia.  George instantly took a liking to her; Katie didn't annoy him the way Jennifer did.  While Jennifer is a very sweet person, she is a handful at times.  Katie, despite her younger age, according to George, to have a confidence (yet, not arrogance) to her.  I agreed.

Katie has never hesitated to tell me how beautiful she thinks I am.  Katie has never hesitated to tell me what she wants to do to me - but lately, I have realized most of the time she says it when she's been drinking.  And sometimes this bothers me, but other times, I understand it.

A couple of weeks ago, we got together for the first time since our trivia meeting - which was almost a year earlier - only our third meeting.  We started simple and before we knew it we were day drinking.  The beers were flowing, the conversation was easy - and I don't think it was because of the beer.  I find it easy to talk to her and I think she finds it easy to talk to me.  We found our way back to my apartment, where we revisited June 2012.  It was a wild night.

The thing with Katie, I get the impression she has been hurt more than once.  On both night's she has never stayed - despite her leaving at 1am and 7am - after an all night affair.  Nor do I expect her to;  however, I worry about her traveling drunk at those times.  I barely know her, but I worry about her safety.

It feels as if Katie is into me, but sometimes she fades away.  We make tentative plans and then she backs out because she's tired.  I feel she wants to spend time with me.  Why else would you maintain contact with someone after having long sex-filled nights and talk to them about some of your greatest fears?  Perhaps I am just a flavor of the week; but why keep in touch with me this last year and a half?  There's something there.

I am sure sometimes I come on a bit too strong, I have always done that.  I am sure Katie feels a little uncomfortable, but frankly, I don't mean any harm - I am simply trying to be nice.  Yet, when I step back, I realize it could be seen as too much.  The funny thing is, I have a motive behind my offerings.

I am not asking for forever from Katie.  I am looking for physical, I am not in the right mindset for a relationship.  But when she backed out on our plans last night, I was upset.  I cried a little bit - which surprised me.  She had been telling me early in the week how much she wanted to be with me at a lesbian bar, dancing with me, kissing me and letting the night take us away. 

I don't think I would be this annoyed, if I hadn't met Anne on Thursday night.  There's always a curve ball, isn't there?  Katie and I met up at a bar in Hell's Kitchen.  The conversation was fluid as per usual and then she told me about this girl Anne that she had met at a party recently.  In a drunken state, Katie told Anne (who is bisexual), that she wanted to have sex with her.  Nothing came from it. 

Katie's friend Eric was also out in Hell's Kitchen and she asked if I would mind if we joined him.  I didn't mind at all - always up to meet more people.  Little did I know, that Katie was getting drunk rather quickly.  When we arrived at the second bar, I was introduced to the group - there was one girl amongst the three boys - Anne.  The Anne from the party.

Katie and I squeezed into the booth and Anne struck up a conversation with Katie.  I sipped my beer and ate my free hot dogs.  At one point, Katie's hand was on my thigh - which she held there for quite some time.  And if she removed it, she eventually put her hand back.  I don't think Anne saw any of this. At one point when I bought more beer for Katie and myself, she commented, "It's like your my sugar daddy.  I like how you take charge in a bar and when we have sex - it's really hot."  I smirked at her, bumped into her playfully and we winked at each other.

About 10 minutes later, I joked with her about how could she NOT sleep with Anne, for she seemed to be cute.  Katie turned to whisper into my ear, "It's because she plays games and I hate games.  You don't play games.  That's why I want and like you."  I knew why we wouldn't that night, and I was okay with that.    A short while later and another beer down for Katie, another pitch came in my direction - a bit of a change up - "I really want to sleep with both you and Anne.  And maybe even together."  I didn't really know how to respond, other than, "I see."  Then Anne struck up a conversation with Katie about one of her favorite shows, American Horror Story. 
 
We hadn't been there more than an hour, when I noticed Katie got extremely quiet and had a look on her face that screamed, "get me out of here".  The bar was very crowded and even in a booth, I too, felt claustrophobic.  I asked her if she wanted to go home and she said yes.  We walked to the Times Square Subway together; as we said goodbye, she pulled me in for a kiss (which led to several), and she said she wanted to go home with me, but wanted her bed.  I understood.  After one more kiss, we parted like the red sea - she headed to the 1/2/3 and I to the N/Q/R.

She texted me to thank me for getting her to the subway that night; then again on Friday - hoping that she wasn't too much of a pain.  I know Katie is "young".  I know I am wanting physical.  But as a friend told me, "It sounds like she wants her cake and to eat it too."  I would have been fine not knowing Anne.  Now I feel like I have competition.  And that's the thing, I have never been one to get involved with someone just physically.  I have always known mentally I cannot handle it.

But with Katie it's different.  I like how we bounce ideas and conversation off of each other.  I like how I laugh in ways I haven't laughed in months.  I am not asking for commitment, I just want a little clarity.  Perhaps it is I who needs to be hot and cold.

Undisclosed Desires

I think I might have a crush on you again.  Then again, I don’t know if I ever stopped liking you.  We saw each other at your party for New Year's.  I ventured out to Brooklyn to see your new apartment that you share with your girlfriend of at least two years (though, I know there was a break or two in that time period).

We met in 2007 at the Network.  It was your first job out of college and I was new to network television.  I had previously held a few production positions, but this new job was a big break for me.  I could not have been more excited about the opportunity.  

Sometimes when we reminisce about our first meeting - you like to point out your very specific memory of me.  I find this to be rather delightful that you have such a detailed memory on our meeting; however, when it comes to other things - you always say that I am the one with the amazing memory.

There I was standing at the photocopier in my button down, dress pants and flip flops.  I hadn't had a chance to change into my heels - as my supervisor asked me to copy something as soon as I walked in the office.  But what completed the ensemble, was the fact I was tossing a basketball back and forth between my hands while waiting for the copies to be finished.

You came into the copy room to get a few things - but I wouldn't be able to tell you what.  I don't remember meeting you at all.  My appearance left a mark on you, you would later tell me; that from that impression alone, you knew I was gay.  To this very day, I still laugh at this.

The meeting I do remember is that Tuesday night in October a group of us elected to go out for drinks after work.  I struck up a conversation with you, introducing myself, since I didn't recognize you - I was immediately drawn to your personality and humor.  You were also quite cute and pretty.  There were at least 10 of us at the outing, but you and I, for the most part kept to ourselves.  We talked about sports, music, television - and at one point, I outed myself to you.  I never felt comfortable doing that, but for some reason, with you, it felt natural; but most of all, it felt safe. 

The night wore on and before we both knew it, it was very late and we both had trains out of Penn Station to catch.  We ran out of the bar laughing, as we fell into each other.  It was the first moment of silence we shared.  I remember hearing both our mouths swallowing, we looked into each others eyes and our heads tilted.  The beer filled buzz, pushed us closer - or maybe we really were attracted to each other - oh, fuck it.  We fell into each other and there began our very long lip tango - all the way to Penn Station and it continued at Penn Station.  In fact, I walked you to your track at Long Island Rail Road and it continued there too. 

I was smitten immediately; you not so much.  There was someone else in your life, but you didn't know how serious it was, since you had only just met her a few weeks earlier.  But that did not stop us from getting to know each other.  We would instant message throughout the day; I would go visit you on your side of the office for long chunks of time - but they only felt like minutes.  It always felt so easy with you.  I also liked how you poked fun at me - I always deserve a good ribbing and you knew just how to make me laugh.

You became girlfriends with the girl shortly thereafter, but our friendship strengthened.  Nearly a year later you told me that if we weren't co-workers, that things might be different for us.  Nine months later we were no longer co-workers, but you were newly single.  You were needing space from anything involving commitment - there were random one stands that you told me about and I quietly wished I could have at least kissed you.  Then again, I too was going through the aftermath of a break-up and it was consuming me.

A couple of years ago you started dating your current girlfriend.  I like her, but sometimes, I get the impression she's watching us like a hawk when you and I interact.  Perhaps it is our body language or the excessive amount of laughter that occurs between us.  You have broken up with her a couple of times, for reasons that need not be mentioned here.  During those times, you spoke openly to me about the hurt that she had caused you.  Ironically, I too was going through similar hurt with my ex-girlfriend.  But nothing ever happened between you and I.

When I lost my job, you were the second person I called - after all, you had left the Network two years earlier and at that time, felt I should leave too.  You offered me so much support and encouragement.  Even via the telephone, I could tell how much you cared and felt for me.  I was crying and yet, you didn't seem to be perturbed by it.  You listened and made me laugh.

Whenever I see you, I feel my body immediately get relaxed - I feel so good around you.  You really know how to make a girl smile.  You encourage me, you seem to just truly value me for me as a person and I couldn't be luckier.  When I entered your apartment on the last day of 2013, our eyes locked and we both smiled.  "HEYYYYY!!!" We both exchanged a very loud and silly manner.  Our arms went flying up and out and we approached each other for a terrific hug.  I know my mind went immediately to thinking what it would be like to kiss you.  This thought crossed my mind at least five times during the night and I reversed my decision to sleep over.  I knew I couldn't stomach sleeping on the couch, knowing you two were both in bed only a few doors down.

You always call me out when I dwell on things' or when you think I am being mistreated (my ex-girlfriend was a prime example) - you know me better than I know myself sometimes.  I love that about you.  As the night came to a close, you were drunk, as was your girlfriend and I was slightly stoned.  There were a few other people there and we were all sitting around the living room.  Your girlfriend leaned in to kiss you and then you and I locked eyes, just like that night in October 2007.  I felt my breath tighten and could hear myself desperately trying to gain some moisture in my mouth.  My head immediately went down, but I was able to see your head move away and down from your girlfriend's request for intimacy.  I don't know if this struck you the way it struck me.

I am so lucky to have your friendship  and that is why I am hesitant to say anything.  I also don't want to say anything because you seem to be happy with your girlfriend now.  You have seemed to work things out despite the pain she caused you.  That you were able to move on.  This is why I fear my feelings might just have to go forever undisclosed.