Searching for the Needle

‘Somewhere – she’s out there.’  I think to myself yet again.  It’s a tired statement.  It’s wearing out its welcome.

I thought I was on a path of something incredible – something that had lasting potential.  She was different.  And by different, she was extraordinary.  Everything I look for in a woman came from Blair.  Passionate about work and family, easy going, yet a little bit nervous, religious, but not overly, kind, funny, well-educated, into sports – but not overly, and my oh my was she beautiful.

Two dates in two days.  Effortless.  Fluid.  But mixed with a nice dose of nervous excitement.  The attraction?  So very mutual.  The physical?  Completely in sync and sadly a little too fast – but sometimes you can’t help it.

A business trip took Blair away two days after our first date; three weeks until she would return.  There was discussion of communication while she was away – that it would happen whenever it was possible.  I was giddy in a way I hadn’t felt in years, if ever.  I was overwhelmed with annoyance that three weeks would have to pass before we were to see each other again; and yet, I embraced it.  It would make her return all the sweeter.  

The silence concerned me, but I was able to reassure myself quite a bit – and I didn’t let myself get bogged down in a negative mindset.  The reality was we had had only two dates and been speaking for only 5 days.  We both agreed we wanted to slow it down from a physical stand point.  But to not even hear a hello now and then was so very strange considering how much dialogue of attraction had taken place; dialogue of excitement for things to do in the weeks after Blair’s return.  These and so many other things reassured me.  

Days at work, dragged.  But I made it through.  The week of Blair’s return, flew by – and then came the Thursday I had been anticipating since February 10^th.  Naturally a huge snowstorm came in and affected numerous flights.  If it affected Blair’s, I’ll never know.  A day and a half went by and I hadn’t heard from her.  Again, quiet reassurances I spoke to myself about her getting re-acclimated and adjusting to the time difference.  But by Friday afternoon, I had had enough.

I sent a very casual welcome back text and mentioned that I would love to see her at some point.  Just over a day later, I would hear back.  It came in fast and furious.  Maybe she was excited?  And then I saw the words “I don’t think right now…”  I knew I was doomed.  I felt my heart sink and I immediately began to cry. 

I understand I am better off that Blair did this after two dates.  I understand that it was only two dates, so really how can you truly know someone?  Well, I felt this one was different.  You know when you are looking for that something?  Blair had that something.   All signs pointed to exploring together.

It really hurts and while I know I will eventually be able to jump back into the pool that seems to be getting smaller- this one just leaves me with so much sadness about what might have been.  It’s also fair to say Blair might have been more scared than she was letting on.  Understandable.  There’s a large part of that was scared too – but I wanted to be scared – isn’t everyone in the beginning of a potential relationship?

Dating is hard – it sounds so trivial – but it truly is.  I don’t think couples understand just how hard it is; then you throw in New York City and it’s literally a concrete jungle.  Call me a sucker, but if Blair were to reach back out to me when she’s not as busy with work, that she’s ready to start something – I wouldn’t hesitate for a moment.  It doesn’t mean I will sit around and wait for her schedule to clear up and she’s ready to date again.

When people tell me to simply move on, brush them off.  It’s not every day you find someone like Blair.  I liken Blair to the needle in the haystack.  Eventually I’ll move onto another haystack and jump in, but for right now, I’ll hold onto this precious find, even if she’s no longer mine.