I must be bored... I have this overwhelming desire to look up my ex's current girlfriend on Facebook. I will confess to have done this a few times after everything crumbled between us. I needed to gather information, to verify my own thoughts and suspicions. I was given peace of mind in a strange way - at least over time I was. At first it stung, but I knew deep down that I was being strung along. With every post, with every photo comment I knew we were over - forever.
I struggle with myself again...Quickly the walls are crumbling...Don't know if I can turn away
So why am I suddenly feeling the urge to look her up again - to see if they are still together. I have to be bored. These past few days I have felt my ex in my thoughts - one night my thoughts of her were far from fleeting. I even heard myself say aloud, "I miss you Janice." That's the thing - I don't miss her. I truly do not. I'm certain that it is the fact I miss the comfort of having someone else. I miss the warmth in my bed. I miss arms around me. I miss showering someone with flowers, surprise breakfasts or just lying in bed being still, letting the minutes roll by into hours.
I am better off without her in my life. I don't feel the void I originally felt when we first broke up in 2008. I don't feel that ache of, 'what if we never speak again,' anymore when we completely ended in January 2010. It's fine by me if we don't. If I were to run into her, I'm sure I would be nervous as to how strong I could be. She did manage to have a hold on me, she could just look at me and I knew I was locked in. Doomed.
You might have your reasons, but you will never have my rhyme. And if I'm forced to find another, I hope she looks like you and she's nicer too.
There's a pretty incredible feeling running through me at this very moment, with this simple writing - these brief thoughts, I am lifted - I am encouraged and assured that I do not need to give into temptation. My life story is always evolving, my heart is open - my mind may get cloudy and feel as if the rain might not cease, but I know better. Leave it to writing to bring my feet back onto the ground. I'm sure I will relapse, but I will liken it to curiosity. Human instinct if you will. Soon enough I will be running around with much on my mind, much to distract me even further. It's only natural, it's part of life.
It's almost like battling an addiction. Being on the cusp of caving but trusting yourself enough not to give in. If you can't trust yourself, then you reach out to a friend, your sponsor if you will. Though the important thing is to never doubt the strength that resides within you. So very strong.
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