I have to breathe aloud now and then to remind myself that I am still there. At least that's how it's been since last night when I read Lucy's dizzying, albeit wonderful e-mail.
Lucy. Oh Lucy. You have rendered me speechless and yet all I want to do is give you words. When I mustered up some words, they came from my heart - my every fiber of my being. I wrote cautiously, yet sincerely. I noticed how much my hands were trembling as my fingers ran across the keyboard.
Our e-mails aren't e-mails. They're letters, beautifully written letters - words that dance on the page, that strike a chord or chords within you. They trigger your mind, captivate your soul and overtake your body. Your letter from yesterday will forever be a part of me.
I had to reply in some form and I did. Now there's silence - a silence I knew would be coming due to a trip Lucy is going on for a week. But I thought more than once today, I wonder if she read my letter. I wonder what her reaction was to my words. I wished she would simply text me to let me know that she had read it, but would write more later. I could only be so lucky.
Lucy told me that she feels comfortable with me and loves the powerful connection we have. And we truly do have this. It's undeniable. I can feel it with every letter I get from her, I felt it the moment we met in June. Lucy managed to draw me and I am completely hooked. She went as far as to say,
'I won't lie that the strength of the connection I feel with you (coupled with how comfortable I feel around you) makes me think that being in a relationship with you would be a good thing in my life. And if I were free to pursue one with you, I would be. But I am also happy in the relationship I am already in. Though I know I could be happy with you too.'
I still get dizzy reading that. I want to continue building this beautiful friendship with Lucy - more than anything. And I let her know that. But I also let her know that I feel like we have something beautiful, that right now it might just be a single rose - though perhaps one day it could grow into a garden. That no matter what happens, she has filled my life in a most unexpectedly, breath taking, mind blowing, beautiful way.
Later in the letter, Lucy asked in a series of questions, what was the last moment that took my breath away. I wrote the following,
"I write this cautiously, but sincerely. I was in New Haven, CT and sitting with a group of people at a place called Bar. When this woman next to me (and also diagonally across from me - since it happened twice in one night) looked at me with her piercing blue eyes and titled her head at me with a slight smile. In that instant I felt my lungs tighten, the air escaping - my mind became like slosh, pure, sweet intoxication - it wasn't the beer. It was you."
And now I wait. It's almost unbearable - the thought of awaiting Lucy's response. I'm anxious and yet, I am calm. I want our friendship to grow and I want to continue to write these beautiful letters that allow me to express myself fully. Despite her being in a relationship with someone, I wholeheartedly believe that if things align like they might - that we may have a chance. Wow, could I sound anymore like Lloyd Christmas?
I'm not cashing in all my chips on Lucy, but I certainly wouldn't mind it if the time came. I'll have to distract myself in every way possible this next week and I will have to resist the temptation to reach out. Perhaps she might surprise me with a dinner visit in New York City in the coming weeks on a Friday.
My lungs are tightening. I am scared. My heart is open, my mind is racing and my hands are still trembling.
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