Sweet Intoxication

I have this ability to fall for people who are either not interested in me in the slightest or are completely unattainable. As I grow older, this gets tougher with every rejection. The stinging sensation is just as intense as a jelly fish bite. You can feel your lungs drying up, tightening, your body weakening, your knees buckling. I will always remember my first jelly fish bite and I’ll always remember every rejection.

The latest is Lucy. I refuse to believe Lucy has rejected me and I do not see it as such. Yes, that Lucy from our romantic meeting at the keg in Stamford, Connecticut. Yes, the girl with those piercing, pulsing blue eyes that I can still see at this moment – penetrating my mind and soul. The girl who I barely know, yet want to know everything about. Lucy is the girl who allowed me to believe in the beauty of silence during intimate moments. The girl who kept me silent in the most intimate of moments. I find this almost unbelievable in that we knew each other for a matter of hours.

With a tilt of her head, that slight, daring smile and rich blue eyes – I become hooked. Zoned in. Locked in. Lucy just exudes beauty. A beauty I haven’t seen in another. I liken her to sweet intoxication. She is best enjoyed slowly, intensely, passionately, you take her in with ease – you want her to last for an eternity. Let the sensations flow through you like a steady stream. The taste will hit every sense, every nerve - it will trigger feelings you never thought could exist.

Lucy invited me out to Connecticut this past weekend to meet up with her and some of her friends that I have become friends with as well. At first I was hesitant due to the distance and not quite sure as to where I would stay. A part of me silently hoped she would say, ‘with me, of course’. But the other part of me knew better. Sure, we have been exchanging e-mails and texts since our meeting at the end of June – revealing inner thoughts; yet not going too deep. Over the last few months, I have struggled with opening up to women. In the past, I may have been guarded, but I let some in. These last few months I have let a select few in and the more I have been doing that, the more vulnerable I feel. Only natural I suppose. I am choosing to let them in, but there’s a part of me that says, why let someone in on your hopes, fears, past – anything most sacred to you, if you are not going to be nurtured or cared for by them.

I ventured out to Connecticut to meet Lucy and it was worth the journey; though I have learned she now is seeing the guy that stood at the keg with us as we had our first interaction. I shouldn't be surprised, but why does it hurt so much? I have since learned that Lucy spoke endlessly about me before my arrival at the bar and was hard to silence when she headed home with a friend of hers. "She glowed and gushed when talking about you." I was told. Therefore, how does one not get wrapped up in the thought of potential when hearing something like this, this burning intensity?

In certain moments of my day I can recapture a few exchanges between us at our second meeting. All of them involve smiling of course. One has us sitting on opposite ends of the table at the bar - engrossed in the conversation going on amongst all surrounding us. Naturally, I felt compelled to steal a glance at the woman who truly takes my breath away. I can physically feel my lungs tightening, like air being let out of an air mattress. Within the tightness, there's an overwhelming desire to return to some of the moments from the day we first met. In my first entry about Lucy I wrote about the powerful stillness between us, that was coupled by a heavy, albeit very enjoyable silence. I want that back. I want our bodies to gently rest upon each others; I want to touch her rosy cheeks with a gentle graze of my fingers; I want us to dare each other to move, to break the silence with a cautious, yet inviting laugh; or for our eyes to focus in on one another - only trying to figure out who might make the first move. My lips begin to soften, my mouth turns drys. I look at her calmly, silently hoping she will turn her glance my way. Just one look...

My wish is granted. I manage a cool, warm smile despite the intensity felt within my own soul. A smile is returned - it holds a bit of seduction with it and so, I tilt my head while I smile a bit more seductively. I might have winked. My actions are mimicked.

At this moment an ocean separates us and the void within me, while not vast, is certainly present. There is much unknown, but I long for it to become known. I have met Lucy twice and I cannot wait to see her again - whenever that may be. When she returns, two states will be between us - as will that boyfriend. I can see the heads shaking. I can even hear a small, barely audible voice telling me to walk away. If only it were that simple. Some people can walk away with ease. I am not one of those people, nor will ever be. My mind races with excitement when I think about seeing her again. A coy smile spreads across my face when I think about how happy she was to see me - how her arms just seemed to fall around me; how melted together just like the first time we met, 'I'm so glad you could make it.' She spoke warmly, sincerely.

Lucy has me thirsty for more. I walk with a stumble when I think about her; my words fumble when I talk about her; she is my sweet intoxication.

I would love to see you ..I wonder if you know that you and I, could lose control Let's walk, Let's race, Let's ride, the flow, girl let down your hair...