Balance

If I’m going to do this, I am going to have to find balance.  I will not allow myself to fall for you.  I cannot.  You are wrong for me on so many levels; but the level you are right for me is just what the definition of this is.

This just so happens to be an affair.  A wild, sexually driven affair.  A delicious romp and I am 1,000 percent the mistress.

I suppose we should all experience something like this at one point in our lives.

There’s a part of me that does not see this as an affair due to your situation.  But let’s be honest, that’s a load of crap. I never thought that I would be the type of person would allow herself to be part of someone’s extramarital illicit activities.  Sometimes we surprise ourselves.

I met A. on the 25^th at the bar she works at.  I had seen her at another bar I go to a few blocks away.  We’d never truly engaged in a conversation more than my drink order and last Sunday that all changed.  My friends and I met up to practice skee ball for the league we joined.  We talked a great deal and she bought me a few beers.  When the others had left, A. told me to stick around and head with her to another bar where she wanted to grab a quick drink and meet up with another bartender friend of hers.

We sat at the bar and began to talk about my being gay and for some reason I felt comfortable enough to tell her that I really enjoyed fucking women with a strap on.  That was the moment for A.  Those words made A. realize that she wanted to have sex with me.  While I did not have one at the apartment, we both agreed that we could do plenty of other things.

Three nights last week – we were like animals, but yet there was something deeper there – we talked; we shared.  I not nearly as much as she, but I did feel comfortable enough to talk about certain things.  We agreed if either developed feelings, we would tell one another and the romp would end.

I went to visit her at work Friday night – which might not have been the best ideas – she ended up kicking me out.  I apologized, all was forgiven.  Super Bowl Sunday rolled around and I went to a party by her bar.  At the end of the game some of us ventured to visit the bar – I was well on my way to getting drunk.  She had been working a double and I wanted to provide her with some relief, if at all possible.

The last two hours of the night are a complete and utter blur.  I know I talked to A. – but about what I don’t remember.  I don’t know if I made a scene; I don’t know anything.  I was told by one of our mutual friends that I was fine, just drunk.  I think A. might have told me that our previously planned Wednesday session for this coming week couldn’t happen.  I don’t know how I reacted.  I think I went after her – which probably wasn’t the smartest of ideas. 

I sent her a picture of a coffee mug yesterday that reminded me of her – and didn’t get a reply.  I wasn’t expecting to get one – she was probably exhausted from her double, had to drop off / pick up her son from school and then having to work another shift later that day.  I still managed to over think this – and I still am.

She is active on social media, but there is silence with me.  I feel as if I had to have done SOMETHING.  Yet, because she is so blunt and vocal – I figure she would be letting me have it by berating me.  But so far, nothing.  The silence is killing me.  I know this is not a good sign on my end, because in a way it shows I’ve developed some feelings towards her.  There’s a part of me that does like A.; but really at this moment, I just want sex – and sex with A. is pretty damn amazing.  I don’t know what comes over me when we do it – I am a different person.  I am free.

I refuse to talk to any of her friends (who are more acquaintances of mine) about this silence, because I know exactly what they will say.  I would never bring them involved in this mental state of mine.  They are afraid she will hurt me and quite frankly, I am too.  But I am willing to take that risk.  I also refuse to reach out to her to ask her what’s going on.  After all it could just be because she’s tired and had a lot going on in her life (which she does).  If I reach out and get upset, she has every right to get annoyed with me.  We’re just fucking.  There’s no attachment.  I cannot allow myself to over think this.

I keep hearing in my head how happy I have made her – and that makes me happy.  A. deserves this happiness – no one deserves to go what she is going through.  

I need to work on me.  I need to redirect my focus.  I just hope that after one week of mind blowing sex it isn’t over.  I will do my best to have tunnel vision and anticipate her contact.  It just doesn’t seem to make sense that someone as vocal as her would suddenly go silent.