Easy Silence

The reply came in with just under an hour to go in the day.  I didn’t hesitate in my reply – you sounded sad and as your friend, I wanted to be there for you.

Allow me to rewind to last week – you were very erratic in your texts from the previous Sunday.   I was taken aback but not all that surprised.  You came down on me, hard.  And considering I had only gone to bed three hours earlier, I was in no mood for your daggers.

It started off innocently, you mentioned that it would be difficult for us to meet up to talk about our boundaries and my actions at your bar on Super Bowl Sunday.  I was trying to keep up with the flood of texts you were sending, I went sexual on you – when there were other personal texts from you coming in about your son.  I never meant for those to cross the lines of communication, but somehow you didn’t believe me.  Your intensity annoyed me and I elected to not reply any further.  I didn’t want your cold behavior ruining my mindset; after all, I had a date later and I was more than excited about it.  She seemed like a great catch and she was extremely attractive.  

There was silence between us for a few days – and quite frankly, it didn’t upset me.  I was focused on work and the girl who wanted a second date within hours of the first due to a work trip that would take her out of the country for three weeks the next day.  There was also a part of me that thought I would never hear from you again – that you were done with me on all levels, including our friendship.  

When your texts came in, my eyes widened and my heart feared the worst – I felt the pangs of pain pulsing through my skin.  You were kind and appreciative of the space I gave you and still wanted to see me to talk about it.  We agreed that our friendship was too important to us to lose – that while we have ultimately only known each other for just under a month, there was a closeness we shared – and it was more than the fact we had slept together a number of times over the course of three nights.

I don’t like how he hurts you – mentally, physically (though you tell me he has never hit you, I am slightly hesitant to believe you).  It isn’t a healthy situation for you or your son and I wish I could provide you both with the proper shelter.  It makes me happy to know you have plenty of friends that can give you the outlet that you so rightfully deserve.

You had had a bad day yesterday and were out with some friends for drinks, you were in a limbo state – not wanting to go home, but not wanting to be out any longer.  I offered to meet you somewhere or for you to come to my apartment.  It was a long shot since we both felt it probably wasn’t all that wise to meet there just yet.  But you took the offer and an hour later you were at my doorstep.  I greeted you with open arms and you fell into them – I could tell it was hard for you, but I merely tightened my embrace.  I could feel your body slightly weaken, but you fought it.

I poured us some wine and we found our way to my couch – opposite ends, quietly acknowledging there was an attraction.  With every small, steady sip of the Malbec you brought us, our legs gradually became intertwined, our bodies inched closer.  You told me about the two nights of drunken Lindsay – and the embarrassment that I felt was more than I wanted to hear.  You insisted you weren’t telling me this to make me feel bad, but to explain how it made you feel.  Learning how it made you feel, was extremely difficult for me to hear – but I needed to hear it.  I thank you for your honesty.  

We talked about him and his actions yesterday.  He called you a failure at life and said you were a horrible mother – in front of your child.  I began to tear up – I can’t imagine the pain and sadness that brings you on a daily basis.  You told me you had begun talking to a lawyer and you were keeping all of his abusive text messages.  You told me of what you wanted out of the divorce and we both agreed there was so much more you could get out of it, but what it came down to, was your son.  It made sense.

The conversation continued on my bed – though at this point, we kept a bit of a distance – we talked about our love of books.  You have read so many that I have always wanted to and vice versa; and then you fell into me.  It felt natural; I wanted to hold you, to let you feel some form of comfort on this terrible day for you.  I was in control of my feelings.  We fell lower and lower onto my bed, it was the next logical move, we rolled on our sides, our faces so close together, I could feel you shivering.  I allowed for my hand to tuck your hair behind your ear – closer we moved, our legs like pretzels.  

“Stop.” You said breathlessly.

My hand immediately pulled back, I released my legs from yours and sat up in my full sized bed.  But you surprised us both and you pulled me back down, we returned to our silent face to face interaction.  The silence hung like fog – thick and somewhat mysterious.

“No.  Don’t stop – come here.”  You said inching even closer to my body.  I swallowed rather audibly.  Our faces pushed in closer - slowly and delicately.  Our lips found one another.  An hour or so later we were still dancing, laughing, quietly whispering to each other – our enjoyment filled my studio apartment with a subtle warmth.  I delivered you pleasure that you had been missing since our last visit.  Nothing brings me greater happiness than to make you feel this way.

I will see you on Thursday at your job – when my skee ball team plays.  Normally you don’t work Thursdays but you picked up another shift.  I told you I would get a substitute to play for me and you were vehemently in opposition of that idea.  You want us to be in the same room and act like the adults that we are.  You have forgiven me for being a child and realize it wasn’t my true nature.  I promise I will not let you down this time – or ever again.  

Our friendship is so very grey at the moment – we both want to be friends, but realize there is an incredible amount of attraction, but neither of us desire to be in a relationship with the other.  I know I cannot rely on you for anything other than friendship and quite frankly I am all right with that prospect.  I do want our friendship to last over the years – we share a bond I truly cannot explain.  We bonded within hours of meeting – I’m not really sure what it was – for you felt it before I did.  But you’ve turned my world around and I kind of like it.