Evolve

My actions were disgusting when I look back at it – albeit with blurry glasses.  

The hours leading up to my visit of doom, I was incredibly nervous.  I was overdressed by my friends’ standards – and I will admit to doing for the sole purpose of hoping to have her notice me.  It was selfishly motivated.  I was thinking with a mind full of sex and not potential consequence.

A group of us were gathered at Todd’s for a pot luck Super Bowl party and the alcohol was generously flowing.  As the third shot was poured and placed in front of me, I knew I shouldn’t partake – so I sipped it and was immediately called out for this.  Never one to be a fan of being called out, I looked at Todd who was seated to my left and said, “This is going to send me over the edge.”  We both chuckled and shrugged as I brought the small glass to my trembling lips and thrust my head back.  The cool, cinnamon liquid fell back down through my throat and burned inside my stomach.

The game concluded and I announced to my friends I wanted to go to the bar – and two of them were ready, willing and able.  I was in control – but when the first beer hit my hands from A. and made its way into my mouth – the rest of the night is a blur.

I was extremely flirtatious with a handsome musician.  I lost track of my friends at various points – and the drinks just kept coming.  What was coming out of my mouth, I’ll never know.  And quite frankly, at this rate, I don’t even want to know.

One of our mutual friends, who is more of an acquaintance of mine – I spoke with a lot.  Topic was more than likely how much fun I was having with A.  There is a distinct possibility this was overheard.  I regret this.

At one point A., approached me to say she was leaving for the night and to also to tell me our Wednesday romp was no longer a go.  I can feel and somewhat visualize that conversation taking place – but the reason behind the cancellation, I would not recall until last night when my memory was refreshed.  

What happened then, is forever in the black hole of abyss of drunken words – some patrons may have overheard or misinterpreted.  Regardless, it was incredibly stupid, selfish and immature of me to bring myself into her place of employment.  I have put her at risk for so much pain, that the thought of that just devastates me.  If someone had done this to me, I would be livid – and yet, she does not hate me.  She cares for me and values our connection; she does not want to see me hurt and hopes that we can talk this through.

When she told me last night why tonight was a no-go, I felt my body shut down.  Could I have been more of an asshole?  I was driven by sex and thoughts of her once again going down on me.  I was greedy.  I was disgusting.  When I conveyed this, she told me that she felt bad about how bad I felt.  At least we are able to acknowledge the difficulty of this situation.

Her best friend of 30 years, the godmother to her son, decided to surprise her and is visiting for a few days – that’s why tonight’s romp is cancelled.  And I, in my drunken state, threw a not so discreet fit.  I am so very ashamed.  So deeply ashamed.  Never in a sober state would react in such a way.  NEVER.  

Hindsight is 20-20.  I can continue to over think this and beat myself up – which is something that is quite frankly, exhausting and something she has pleaded with me to not do; or I can take a deep breath, evaluate my actions from a mature, healthy perspective and when the time comes (which is next week) – we will talk like the women that we are.  The women, we both admire and respect in each other.  I dare say there is hope for us, we just have to be responsible and smart.

The truth is, I do feel very close to A., – whether it is the fact we bonded on family issues or the very intense sexual experience over the course of last week – I do feel as if I could be very good friends with her.  What that means for our future, who’s to say.

I do enjoy having sex with her – even if the end result is something that could hurt her, myself or even both of us.  I think there’s a balance that we need to discuss if this is to move forward.  I will respect each and every one of those guidelines and I am sure she would respect mine.  She’s been very courteous about specific things (namely one in particular) – and I am touched by these actions.  Perhaps that is why I am so disgusted by myself.  She showed me nothing but courtesy coming into my home and I show up and turn into a shit show at her place of employment.  Shame on me.  I have only myself to blame and I will try to ease up on myself.

I believe we can somehow make this fling work – it is something I want in my life at this current time.  The thought of commitment scares the living daylights out of me; but the thought of someone wanting to come over once or twice a week to have wild, mind blowing sex – is something that appeals to me greatly.  I know she cannot offer me anything, that her situation is so incredibly complex – and if I come to a point where I cannot handle that anymore, then I need to speak up.  I need to be the confident, strong, capable woman that I am.

Somewhere along the way my confidence began to dwindle – I’d say it was around the time when I entered graduate school.  Ironic considering how much I had previously accomplished in my lifetime, but somewhere in Boston, I became somewhat hesitant and guarded.  Perhaps it was because I was coming out to myself and others at that point.

But when I speak with A., I can hear my voice change – I have purpose and direction.  It’s not just A., that hears this confidence – it’s my other friends too.  I may still have moments of wavering but that is simply life.   We have to learn to simply learn to look at the problem, see its soft spot, find the solution and be as proactive as possible.  We won’t always get what we want, but that’s the way it is.

I eagerly await our dinner conversation – and not for the sole purpose of talking about where do we go from here.  I like how A., makes me feel as a friend – and I fully intend on conveying that.  For as long as I can remember, I have better conveyed my feelings through the power of writing – and when it comes to speaking it, I grow quiet and shy.  Perhaps it is because it is when it is spoken, there is more truth?  But I have always been a firm believer in the power of the written word.  The spoken word can always be misunderstood and perhaps that is why I am so fearful of it.  I’ve never wanted to have my words twisted or hurt someone.  Whereas when I write, I can simply hit the backspace on my keyboard or turn my pencil over to erase it.  

A blank space awaits in front of me – unwritten lines, endless possibilities.  I dare say it is time to look hard at myself, my goals, and my passions – to seek out this world that is New York City with the curiosity that filled me as a child.  I sit here nearly five months away from 35 and my life is not exactly the way I had envisioned – but is anyone’s?  I could take a poll of random people and see how their life has played out.  And that’s just it – we don’t follow the path we always intend.  The different paths open us open to new people and people we never expected.  Our lives can be richer for it.  

When I walked into that bar that late Sunday afternoon in January, she was behind the bar and I remember hearing her laugh.  It was loud, yet filled with a warmth that I immediately wanted to get to know.  

We all have moments in our lives that we are not proud of, we all have things that we need to work at – but we cannot allow ourselves to get too wrapped up in the pain.  I have always been a sensitive person and have been told more often than not that this trait is perhaps my greatest blessing and greatest curse.  It is up to me to find balance.  It is up to me to determine what it is what I want out of A.  Whatever path we choose, it does not mean that it has to always go that way, we may derail, we may stop, only to start again – or we may end.  We will evolve.  Because, quite simply, that’s just the way it is.