Help Wanted

"We have reviewed your application and have elected not to pursue your candidacy for this position".

I have seen this notification more often than I would like to admit.  Frankly, it has been hard maintaining a high level of positive thinking. 

I was with my previous employer for six years.  I gave the Company everything I had - even when I was living at home with my parents in New Jersey, my dedication to the Network was never questioned.  Need someone to carry tapes across the street?  Lindsay will do it.  Need a graphic proofread?  Lindsay will do it.  Need someone to stay late even though they already paid their dues in the research department?  Lindsay will do it.  Need someone to manage the softball team?   Lindsay will do it.

Sure there were times that I put up a fight - by rolling my eyes behind their backs; or took a deep breath in order to avoid snapping back at an angry producer (though it did happen on occasion and while I am not proud of it, it had to be done). 

When I left the Company at the end of June, I was all over the map emotionally.  A mixture of fear, excitement and relief.  A very lethal cocktail.  At any given moment any of these emotions could come out; and sometimes they came out when I was drinking.

I would like to say I have moved on from the Company's decision to release me.  But I haven't.  While the frustration is decreasing, I still am upset with the decision.  There are too many question marks, too many signs that this was a deliberate move by my old boss and only my boss.  Despite endless praise and extraordinary reviews from nearly every person I worked with, my old boss felt it was time for us to part ways.

The driving force behind my frustration is how much my old boss knew of my passion for the feature side of the industry and yet, did very little to steer me in the right direction.  The Company merged with the 24-7 version of the Company and a lot of opportunities were coming about, especially in the feature unit.  Why couldn't he have simply made contact for me and recommended me to work with this part of the Company rather than the one I had been with for six years?  It leads me to believe he simply wanted me gone.  I get it.  It happens.

This is not to say he did not initially help me.  He did provide me with several names of people at other networks - and while I have met with some of these people - no employment opportunities have come about.


I have had two great meetings with very important people at a show - my dream job.  Each person has commented on the quality of my work and research - but each has said, they are not hiring, even with a position being posted on their job board.  I keep in regular contact with them, hoping for something to break.

When I apply to the positions online - I know I am up against thousands of applicants; I know the inner workings - the interviews are not going to the online applicants; rather they're going to someone within the Company, the former intern, or the kid of a friend.  I saw it with my own eyes at my old job.  It does get very old, telling yourself repeatedly, that you are far more qualified than any of those applicants.  I can even feel myself steadying my breath as I type this - so that I avoid the tears welling up in the corners of my eyes.

I am presently enrolled in an edit course, hoping this will make my resume stand out even more.  I have one week under my belt, five more to go.  I do not like the word desperate - but I am.  Desperate for work.  Desperate to showcase my abilities.  Desperate to contribute to the workforce.

I am desperate.  My unemployment benefits have stopped and I am not able to file another claim until July.  If I don't find a job, and at this point ANY job - I am going to have to move home to New Jersey and sublet my apartment.  When my parents and I purchased this property, we went in with the fact my working life had stability.  Two years later it came crashing down.  I certainly didn't see it coming.

I remember when I first left graduate school, I told myself I would not let work define me, I would have a balance between work and play.  That slowly disappeared with every weekend I worked until two in the morning on Saturday night.  That slowly disappeared every time I packed my suitcase on a Thursday night, only to fly out the next morning.

I am now in a battle with myself, my thoughts and feelings.  I am single.  I am entering my 34 year of life and I am owning up to my mistakes.  I am in charge of this ship.  You may see me go off course, but isn't that part of the way life works?  Isn't that all part of the adventure?


In the middle of difficulty, lies opportunity. - Einstein -