Recipe for Success

There is a feeling of hollowness that lies within me despite my most recent journey with the course I am taking.  Or perhaps it is feeling of fear.  It could be linked to the fact I still don’t have a job regardless that I have applied to hundreds of positions I know I am more than qualified for.  I know I could be very successful in any of the positions that I have applied to – yet despite this, my application is not getting reviewed.  I quietly understand as to why, but no matter, I am annoyed, frustrated, and restless.  As the weeks have turned into months, my irritability level has drastically changed.  I am not a fan of this side of my personality, nor is my family.  Why is it that when we experience so much pain and frustration we take out our emotions on the people who care about and support us the most?  It’s deplorable.  It leaves me feeling shattered and shameful.  I was not raised to treat people with such lack of regard for loving people in one’s life.  I am ashamed.

Our feelings are poked, stoked and prodded throughout the day – it can depend on mindset, circumstances, and actions of others.  Some days we respond to these instances better than others; and lately I am far from patient.  For reasons that have already been discussed, my mindset has not been razor sharp.  I am greatly at fault for not being able to look beyond the pain with curiosity, with excitement – or with regularity for that matter.  I developed a quicksand mindset and it was only enhanced by excessive drinking and consuming fatty foods that can easily lead to future health problems.  I understand that it is I and only I who can change the direction of my life.  I have understood this from the day I was released from my job – but since mid-September, despite countless great meetings (none of which have resulted in employment), I have become full of doubt, disappointment.  Sometimes I feel as if I am searching for the fire poker to illuminate the tiny ember that flourished inside me when I first started on my career journey.

Fortunately the flame has never fully blown out, but at times, I have thrown up my hands and turned the other cheek, I have tossed back another whiskey shot, I have rolled over in my empty full-sized bed and ignored my alarm.  All of these have happened more than I would care to admit, more than my family should ever know.  I am ashamed.  I am in my early thirties, the second third of my life and sometimes I feel as if I am still fighting to be recognized as an early twenty-something.  There is more than one party to blame for this age freeze – but as time has passed, I realize it relies primarily on me; on my actions, on my words. 

Even still, when I am provided with certain items – my reaction is something I need to work on.  I have never been one to be able withhold my emotions or reactions.  I am a fighter by nature, yet I am an introvert.  I stand up for what I believe in, how I feel I deserve to be treated, how I want my friends to be treated.  It’s absolutely possible be both an introvert and a fighter.  Care to challenge me on that?
It’s possible because I fight back – even if it is against my parents.  Ironically, the lessons they taught me are coming back on them.  I am not a supporter of this behavior by any means; but it is triggered (and only enhanced by my mindset) – and it feels as a big black cauldron is being stirred.  While I know they have my best interests at heart, I am met with a mindset of wanting a level of independence I still have yet to achieve at my age.  Some of my friends have been married for nearly 10 years and I am still living under a microscope financially.  Of course this examination is a direct result of my career and how a fast approaching curve ball came into me; I was not prepared for it.  I did not see it coming, I felt the subway cars rushing by me in a blur – but all I heard was silence.  I was motionless until my upright body began to crumble.  The brick wall of defense I had built over the six years within the Company was gradually cracked with the nail in the cement, causing the bricks to slowly crack and break away.  Like ice quickly melting, my strength began to disappear.  I struggled to maintain any level of respectability.  I desperately wanted to fight back with words, with daggers – but my anger was suffocated by shock and perhaps some relief was mixed in this dangerous cocktail.

Lately, my reactions concern me, but I am also frustrated by the actions of others.  While the intention of love and concern is there – I interpret it as the exact opposite.  As soon as the advice is dispensed (usually when it is my mom), I feel my chest tighten, my jaw stiffen, my eyes begin to roll around in annoyance.  I have done this for years and I cannot seem to end this, no matter how hard I try to quietly listen, interpret and make my own decisions.  Sometimes I am very good at this, but more often than not, I eventually find my way back to frustration.  I am not a fan of this behavior, especially given my age. 

Almost two weeks ago I was given a dietary supplement that should help me cut back on fat, as well as improve my concentration and attitude.  I understand that is out of love and concern that this has been provided to me, but this is just another example of the caldron being stirred with the over sized wooden spoon.  I am not proud of my actions, but to be reminded of them frequently is a lot to take in.  I have never been easy on myself and contrary to what some may believe, I do mentally beat myself up on a regular basis.  Lately the punch out session with my mind has been failure.  I was gainfully employed by a company for over six years and I gave them everything I had and more.  When my job was stripped away from me, I was left naked and exposed.  I sought and still do, seek to find myself post-CBS.

I feel as if I have failed my parents.  I know that this isn’t the case; that I just happened to catch a bad break.  I miss the person I was in high school and college who went after everything with the utmost passion.  I understand that it comes directly from my actions and my inner mindset; yet sometimes, I wish the reigns would be loosened.  That’s just the thing – the reigns were loosened when I had financial stability and now, while I am not entirely in shambles, I am in a very needy stage of life.  Where most people have a spouse to rely on for financial support, I am alone.  I have financial obligations that connect me, forever, or for at least their lifetimes, to my parents.  It is a heavy responsibility – one that was only magnified by losing my job.

I need to exercise my mind.  I need to exercise my body.  I need to exercise my soul.  I need to bring back 16 year old, old soul Lindsay who was hard to stop, who thrived when faced with challenges, who stirred her own caldron of curiosity and never seemed to tire.  I can feel it slowly mixing, it’s slowly turning into something – it’s early on in the recipe but I can tell it is going to be something great and it’s up to me to ensure I can soak up in its delight.