At the end of June 2012, I met Katie at Pride weekend. We struck up a conversation at a local bar and immediately hit it off despite the 7 year age gap between us. As the last day of Pride turned into night, we found ourselves at one final bar with our new found friends. There were free cocktails until 9 and our group was consuming them at a rapid pace.
While we sat next to each other in separate chairs, Katie and I were practically in each others laps. Our hands wandered, our fingers danced. We were building towards something, whether we knew it or not. Around 10, Katie leaned in so close I could feel her breath on my cheek. She whispered into my ear, "We need to get out of here now - because I can't sit here looking at you anymore without thinking about going down on you."
This was the second record scratch, stopping in my tracks, sexual moment in my life. The first was when I woke up from my first sex dream and realized it was a woman giving me the most incredible pleasure I had yet to experience. My eyes began to blink furiously, my cheeks flushed. I rummaged through my purse to find my wallet; my small purse that felt like an abyss - my hands were shaking in excitement. I put some money on the table, took Katie by the hand and led her out of the bar.
I wasn't expecting to hear from Katie again - despite the connections we seemed to share. We discovered we both went to Emerson; however, she arrived a couple of years after I was graduated. We had similar styles of humor, enjoyed television shows and coming up with ideas for plot twists, loved some of the same movies and our music tastes were practically identical. But I did hear from her again - a few weeks later when I was back with my girlfriend and Katie was very drunk saying she wanted me in my bed again.
As the summer of 2012 turned into Fall, Jennifer and I continued to have our issues - including a separation that we never completed the discussion about. We had talked in October 2012 about how Jennifer wouldn't sacrifice losing her family's love by coming out. She told me in an e-mail she wanted to keep trying despite this. Unbeknownst to me, two days later she went on a date with a guy. Two months later she told me she was seeing someone and it was getting serious. Two months later we were kissing.
Katie and I had maintained contact - occasionally texting. One night she joined George and me for trivia. George instantly took a liking to her; Katie didn't annoy him the way Jennifer did. While Jennifer is a very sweet person, she is a handful at times. Katie, despite her younger age, according to George, to have a confidence (yet, not arrogance) to her. I agreed.
Katie has never hesitated to tell me how beautiful she thinks I am. Katie has never hesitated to tell me what she wants to do to me - but lately, I have realized most of the time she says it when she's been drinking. And sometimes this bothers me, but other times, I understand it.
A couple of weeks ago, we got together for the first time since our trivia meeting - which was almost a year earlier - only our third meeting. We started simple and before we knew it we were day drinking. The beers were flowing, the conversation was easy - and I don't think it was because of the beer. I find it easy to talk to her and I think she finds it easy to talk to me. We found our way back to my apartment, where we revisited June 2012. It was a wild night.
The thing with Katie, I get the impression she has been hurt more than once. On both night's she has never stayed - despite her leaving at 1am and 7am - after an all night affair. Nor do I expect her to; however, I worry about her traveling drunk at those times. I barely know her, but I worry about her safety.
It feels as if Katie is into me, but sometimes she fades away. We make tentative plans and then she backs out because she's tired. I feel she wants to spend time with me. Why else would you maintain contact with someone after having long sex-filled nights and talk to them about some of your greatest fears? Perhaps I am just a flavor of the week; but why keep in touch with me this last year and a half? There's something there.
I am sure sometimes I come on a bit too strong, I have always done that. I am sure Katie feels a little uncomfortable, but frankly, I don't mean any harm - I am simply trying to be nice. Yet, when I step back, I realize it could be seen as too much. The funny thing is, I have a motive behind my offerings.
I am not asking for forever from Katie. I am looking for physical, I am not in the right mindset for a relationship. But when she backed out on our plans last night, I was upset. I cried a little bit - which surprised me. She had been telling me early in the week how much she wanted to be with me at a lesbian bar, dancing with me, kissing me and letting the night take us away.
I don't think I would be this annoyed, if I hadn't met Anne on Thursday night. There's always a curve ball, isn't there? Katie and I met up at a bar in Hell's Kitchen. The conversation was fluid as per usual and then she told me about this girl Anne that she had met at a party recently. In a drunken state, Katie told Anne (who is bisexual), that she wanted to have sex with her. Nothing came from it.
Katie's friend Eric was also out in Hell's Kitchen and she asked if I would mind if we joined him. I didn't mind at all - always up to meet more people. Little did I know, that Katie was getting drunk rather quickly. When we arrived at the second bar, I was introduced to the group - there was one girl amongst the three boys - Anne. The Anne from the party.
Katie and I squeezed into the booth and Anne struck up a conversation with Katie. I sipped my beer and ate my free hot dogs. At one point, Katie's hand was on my thigh - which she held there for quite some time. And if she removed it, she eventually put her hand back. I don't think Anne saw any of this. At one point when I bought more beer for Katie and myself, she commented, "It's like your my sugar daddy. I like how you take charge in a bar and when we have sex - it's really hot." I smirked at her, bumped into her playfully and we winked at each other.
About 10 minutes later, I joked with her about how could she NOT sleep with Anne, for she seemed to be cute. Katie turned to whisper into my ear, "It's because she plays games and I hate games. You don't play games. That's why I want and like you." I knew why we wouldn't that night, and I was okay with that. A short while later and another beer down for Katie, another pitch came in my direction - a bit of a change up - "I really want to sleep with both you and Anne. And maybe even together." I didn't really know how to respond, other than, "I see." Then Anne struck up a conversation with Katie about one of her favorite shows, American Horror Story.
We hadn't been there more than an hour, when I noticed Katie got extremely quiet and had a look on her face that screamed, "get me out of here". The bar was very crowded and even in a booth, I too, felt claustrophobic. I asked her if she wanted to go home and she said yes. We walked to the Times Square Subway together; as we said goodbye, she pulled me in for a kiss (which led to several), and she said she wanted to go home with me, but wanted her bed. I understood. After one more kiss, we parted like the red sea - she headed to the 1/2/3 and I to the N/Q/R.
She texted me to thank me for getting her to the subway that night; then again on Friday - hoping that she wasn't too much of a pain. I know Katie is "young". I know I am wanting physical. But as a friend told me, "It sounds like she wants her cake and to eat it too." I would have been fine not knowing Anne. Now I feel like I have competition. And that's the thing, I have never been one to get involved with someone just physically. I have always known mentally I cannot handle it.
But with Katie it's different. I like how we bounce ideas and conversation off of each other. I like how I laugh in ways I haven't laughed in months. I am not asking for commitment, I just want a little clarity. Perhaps it is I who needs to be hot and cold.
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